


Hair

by downtonarry



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Cancer, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, it's honestly REALLY mild chanbaek they are not a massive part of the storyline, just a heads up it is not chanbaek fic lmao however they are there!, to anyone checking in because of them lol
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-08
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2019-07-28 09:00:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 23,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16238378
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/downtonarry/pseuds/downtonarry
Summary: Kyungsoo decides to start taking risks after he's diagnosed with tumours down his spine.Jongin's always taken risks.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I will add more tags as they come, but I don't want to let anyone down with something they think is gonna be there right away and isn't. Thanks for reading!

Kyungsoo downloaded Grindr the day he got the diagnosis.

His mom was messily still half-crying as she tried to drive. She was going to crash and end up on one of those compilation videos that mostly made fun of drivers from other countries other than America. Kyungsoo reached a hand over and took the wheel for a moment, guiding her back fully into the right lane.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Kyungsoo said it emotionlessly. He didn’t mean to sound that way. He didn’t know what he should sound like in a situation like this. He glanced down at his phone. It was all the way downloaded, prompting him to start up his profile. Kyungsoo hovered his thumb over the start button for a moment, before putting his phone in his pocket.

His mother was talking now. Something about being strong, something about how they’d get through it as a family. Kyungsoo nodded. He wondered when his mother would snap, tell him to stop being so cold and callous about this, lash out at him without meaning to. It wasn’t that he felt cold about it. He just felt numb. Maybe his mother would understand that.

“I love you so much, baby.”

“I love you too.” Kyungsoo reached his hand back over to rub her shoulder, feeling like he was the one trying to comfort her, rather than the other way around. He wanted to assuage her worries, somehow. Tell her that this wasn’t a big deal, that it’d be sorted out soon enough. Instead, that’s not what he said.

“At least it’s only stage 2.”

That just made her start to cry again. Kyungsoo reached over and took the wheel again, this time with both hands. They were almost home. He’d just take them all the rest of the way home.

The rest of the drive was silent. Kyungsoo wanted to hit himself a little. Snap into reality of this situation a little bit, actually emote that he felt awful. But his brain had put itself on defense-mode, he supposed. He walked into the house and into his room, shutting the door. That made him feel bad too. His mother would want comfort. She’d also want to comfort him. As expected, she followed him into his bedroom.

“Do you want to talk, baby?”

Kyungsoo looked over her face. She wanted to talk more than he did. She needed so much reassurance, and dad was still at work. Kyungsoo felt a flicker of annoyance at having to be the one to give her that reassurance, and then guilt for feeling annoyed at her.

“I don’t think so at the moment. I think I just want some alone time.”

There was an awkward pause, before his mother left his room, closing the door. More guilt. She’d sit in tears on her own. Kyungsoo hoped she’d just call her sister, or something, cry to her. But she probably wouldn’t.

Kyungsoo took his phone back out of his pocket, re-opening the Grindr app. This time, he clicked start.

The blanks to fill in regarding his profile surprised him a little. Things like how much he weighed were requested. Kyungsoo wondered if he could keep most of them blank. He seemed to be able to. He should put a picture up, though. Kyungsoo barely ever took selfies, because he always seemed to look dopier than he wanted, but there were a couple on his phone. He uploaded the most recent one, deciding it wasn’t so bad. He’d been at his aunt’s anniversary party and he was in a turtleneck. He thought he looked pretty good.

Then there was the question of what he should set his name to. Kyungsoo didn’t want his real name up. He imagined a lot of guys didn’t. Probably a lot of short names, fake names, or initials. He could go with D.K., his own initials. Instead, he settled on D.O., deciding it was equally further from his name and closer. After all, it was just his surname. But nobody would know that.

Now for his profile. He didn’t know what to say. What was the truth? Kyungsoo knew he wasn’t just curious about men. He wanted one. He wanted some boy taller than him to smash him into the bed until he was delirious. He’d fucked two girlfriends. He’d felt nothing. He’d felt something for the girls at the time, when they first got together. But the further the relationship went along, he’d felt less and less, until he realized he wasn’t attracted to them at all. He’d been the dick in both relationships. And he was sorry. But there was no dwelling on that now. All he knew is that he needed to know what a man felt like, properly and truly, before his life really went to shit, which he knew it was about to.

Kyungsoo sat and thought for awhile, before simply typing in “up for whatever” and leaving it at that, before saving his profile.

He was surprised at the amount of white dudes that were listed. He’d half-heard that Grindr was bad for that. Filled with foreigners who just wanted to get with an Asian guy. But there were some regular guys too, so Kyungsoo kept looking.

Already, he was getting some messages come in, messages from white guys, either in English or in some stunted Korean that was probably copy-pasted. It was a little overwhelming. Some Korean guys were also messaging him. Kyungsoo felt alarmed. Was this how this app worked? So many guys all over you so quickly? He knew he wasn’t ugly, but he could say genuinely that there were cuter guys than him, many, he was sure, on this app.

Kyungsoo browsed through the messages. Perhaps his comment about being up for anything had been too much. There were guys all over him asking directly for all sorts of sexual acts. Suddenly, Kyungsoo felt turned off about this whole idea. Which was stupid. He was the one that wanted it. He wanted some guy to just, do him. But all these guys at once….it was a lot to take. Kyungsoo went into his profile again and immediately removed his caption. Maybe now nobody would message him and he could browse through and try to message someone on his own terms.

Not much luck on that. The messages were still coming. A tiny part of Kyungsoo felt glad that all these guys were finding him attractive, but he was shy and this was hard. He persevered trying to find someone on his own to message first.

There was a guy labelled “Kai” that caught his eye. Fake name, Kyungsoo was sure of it. But they probably all were. Now he, he was handsome. Handsome and masculine. Had his age listed. Twenty. A year younger than Kyungsoo. Not bad. Really strong jawline. He had all sorts of crap listed on his profile, crap that Kyungsoo didn’t bother reading, past the fact that he was a top. This was on his terms. He would try this guy out, even though Kyungsoo sort of felt he was a lot more handsome than himself.

“hey”

That was the literal worst opener of all time, but Kyungsoo wasn’t cutesy. He wasn’t going to come up with a joke or something sexual to say. Now he’d have to wait. Kyungsoo flopped in his bed and got under the covers, channeling all his energy on his phone. That was all he was determined to think about right now.

“hey : )”

Absolute relief. The handsome boy named “Kai” had answered, and pretty quickly.

“how are you?”

“i’m good, just got out of the shower, drying my hair”

Kyungsoo thought about how good this guy probably looked right now. Wet hair looked like it would work on him real nice.

“sounds fun” Kyungsoo didn’t know if he was dealing with this interaction right, but he was trying his best.

“whatcha up to”

“literally nothing lol”

“you want to meet up?”

There it was. Kyungsoo knew he should say yes.

“sure. Can’t be my place though, I can drive to you”

“no that’s fine I go to k-arts and live on campus, my roommates are gonna be out for the day”

Kyungsoo went back to the guy’s profile. Sure enough, it said he was a dancer. I guess it would make sense that he’d go to K-Arts. Kyungsoo decided he’d go, give this limber dancer a try.

“sure, give me like 30-45 minutes okay?”

“okay cool : )”

Kyungsoo leapt out of his bed and grabbed his wallet and phone, shoving them into his hoodie pocket. He felt more guilt coming into the living room, because his mother looked up from her mopey and lonesome position on the couch, glad he was there.

“I’m…I’m going for a drive. Just want to clear my head a bit. I won’t be that long. A couple hours, maybe. I might get a bit to eat, or visit one of my friends. Okay?”

He watched his mother’s face fall again. Kyungsoo insisted to himself he would spend the evening with her once he was back. It would be easier too, because his father would be home. She nodded, and Kyungsoo left before he could feel worse.

Kyungsoo plugged his phone in and set it to the campus dorms on maps once he was in the car. There was a strange tension mounting in him, and he hoped it was excitement. It was probably just fear, but he didn’t really know what he felt. Nothing was clear today. In fact, Kyungsoo found himself let out a weird laugh in the car. Today he found out he had tumours on his spine, and now he was going to find out what a dick felt like inside him. Wildest day he’d ever had in his life.

He wasn’t clear about the parking situation on campus, but he wasn’t interested in trying to figure out the cheapest place to pay. Kyungsoo drove directly into the parking garage and got out, finding the ticket machine. He was already messaging “Kai” to tell him he was almost there at the dormitory. The walk to the dormitory was making Kyungsoo start to sweat a little from nervousness, but nothing was going to stop him.

“I’ll meet you outside the building ok? : )”

“cool” Kyungsoo looked at the student life buildings. These were art kids. You could tell. He took business himself, but something about how all these kids were so carefree with their shit, it was something he liked.

There was a guy waiting outside the building, and Kyungsoo hitched his breath. There he was. His hair was medium slightly reddish-brown, so he must have dyed it. But it looked good, it looked good against his tan skin and sharp features. It looked soft, as if it had indeed just been blow-dried. He was in a big pullover hoodie with the university logo on it, and sweatpants, like he might have gone and taken a nap after his shower if Kyungsoo hadn’t mentioned him. He smiled and came closer when he saw Kyungsoo. It was a big, genuine smile.

“Hey, I’m Jongin.”

So Kai was very much a fake name.

“What about “Kai?”” Kyungsoo heard himself ask anyway.

“Oh, I use it as a stage name sometimes when I dance.” Jongin was putting his hand on Kyungsoo’s arm. He was a pretty tall guy. About six foot, Kyungsoo guessed.

“Right.”

“D.O., is it?”

“K-soo.” Kyungsoo heard himself correct. He seemed to almost be talking over himself, hearing himself in an out-of-body way. He’d used a nickname a lot of his friends called him.

“K-soo, cool. You wanna come upstairs?”

Kyungsoo nodded. He was being awkward as hell. Jongin didn’t really seem to notice, beeping them into the building and taking Kyungsoo upstairs. The floor looked a bit bland for a bunch of art kids, but Kyungsoo wondered if maybe they weren’t allowed to mess up the walls. He imagined that was probably it. Coming into Jongin’s room felt like a culture shock compared to the rest of the building. There were three beds, one solo and one bunkbed, but the room was a cluttered mess of ink drawings on the wall, brightly coloured clothes on the floor, and other weird shit on the desks, like half-burned Halloween candles.

“I’m sorry, it’s pretty messy. In my defense, a lot of it isn’t mine. Well, some of it is.”

“It’s okay. Which bed is yours?”

“I lost. The bottom bunk is mine.”

Not a single one of the beds were made. Kyungsoo’s mom would kill him if he didn’t make his bed every day. Maybe this is what happened when you moved away from home.

Jongin was sitting next to him, getting awfully close and cozy. He smelled really good, but then, he had just gotten out of the shower.

“I’m sorry.” Kyungsoo blurted out. “I’ve never been with a guy before. I want to. But I don’t know what to do.”

“Oh?” Jongin raised his eyebrows.

“I’m so sorry.”

“You just curious or what?”

“No. I know I’m not just curious. But I’ve been too...I dunno. There’s a million reasons not to do it.”

“Well.” Jongin looked pensive for a minute. “It’s not a good idea to fuck right away if you don’t even know how that shit works.”

“I’ve fucked girls.”

“Congrats. But you wanna be fucked, right? Like, you don’t want to be the one fucking me? We’re clear on that, right?”

Kyungsoo nodded.

“Then slow down a little. I’m happy to fool around with you, let’s see how we like it, okay?”

Kyungsoo felt a little disappointed. Maybe he wouldn’t be dicked down today. But he’d wanted to be with a guy, and here he was. Still willing, at least somewhat.

Jongin started to kiss him, and Kyungsoo felt himself jerk a little at the surprise of the sudden contact. He kissed back, but this part was the easy part. Making out was never his favourite part of dating someone, but it was easy and a quick way to show someone you were comfortable with them. They kept kissing until Jongin took Kyungsoo’s hand and put it on his crotch. Kyungsoo could feel it all through those sweatpants. Jongin was hard for him and it felt so good. Kyungsoo was hard too, but he focused on rubbing his hand over Jongin’s own dick, before reaching into his pants to touch it for real. Jongin made a sound of pleasure and reached for the waistline of Kyungsoo’s own pants. Kyungsoo opened the button and tugged them down a little, letting his own dick free. Jongin took hold of it to jerk him back, but again, this part wasn’t foreign. It felt good with a guy’s hand wrapped around him, pumping him up and down with purpose, but it wasn’t a new sensation.

“You want to get undressed, K-soo?” Jongin was pulling his sweatshirt off, letting Kyungsoo drink in his really fucking hot chest. Kyungsoo was slender but not defined, muscle-wise. His tummy always poked out more than he thought was attractive. But he figured Jongin wasn’t about to care, so he followed suit pulling his own sweatshirt off and letting his pants come all the way off. That was better, god, that was better. Now Jongin was pulling Kyungsoo into his lap. This felt good and new. Jongin adjusted them so their cocks were touching, pulling Kyungsoo’s head down to keep making out with him. Kyungsoo found himself wrapping his hand around both of them and rubbing. He’d seen that in porn. Fuck, it felt good. Jongin seemed to be enjoying it too. Kyungsoo let himself make a little noise. It was a dorm, and he didn’t want to make too much, but he wanted Jongin to know it was good. Very good indeed.

“Here, I’ll finger you, right?” Jongin whispered in Kyungsoo’s ear. Kyungsoo mumbled affirmatives back, loving how his ear tickled at the words. Jongin was shifting him again, this time onto his stomach, flat out on the bed. Kyungsoo rested his head on the pillow, wondering if it would be more helpful if he got on his knees. He watched as Jongin took a bottle of lube off a desk, and Kyungsoo wondered if it was even his own desk. He was putting some on his fingers, before gently pulling Kyungsoo up a little by his middle with his dry hand. He did want him to get on his knees. Kyungsoo did so, keeping his head on the pillow. How he must look, ass in the air. He hoped it was okay.

“I’m just doing one finger. Get used to me and don’t rush it. I know how shitty it can feel if you do. Let me know when you want more.” Jongin pushed a finger slightly into Kyungsoo, and he felt himself take a sharp breath and swallow deeply. Now that was very different indeed. Jongin was going deeper now, starting gently and then thrusting his finger harder and deeper. It was a strange sensation, but it was good. Whenever his finger touched the back of him, a whole wash of deep tingles went over him.

“More, more is good, Jongin.”

Kyungsoo didn’t see Jongin’s face at all, but he knew he grinned. A second finger, and after more of Kyungsoo’s fussing, a third. How he’d love if all of Jongin’s dick was inside him.

Instead, Jongin reached around and tugged Kyungsoo with his free hand until he spattered embarrassingly all over the bedspread. Kyungsoo turned and looked behind him, finally, knowing he looked flushed and sweaty and a little ashamed.

Jongin didn’t look any of those things. He looked cheerful and a little bit impish, like he had done what he wanted to do. He was now jerking himself off, and Kyungsoo sat back and watched until he came.

“I could have taken it.”

“Believe me, it’s a lot more to take than fingers.”

“I could have.”

“Okay, okay. You want to cuddle?”

Kyungsoo looked critically over Jongin. He was being annoying. At least, it felt that way. Anyway, he wasn’t a cuddler.

“I think I’d better go.”

“You want to come back around anytime, you let me know, okay?”

“Okay.” Kyungsoo looked on the ground for his pants. He was determined not to feel disappointed that what he’d done just now hadn’t been what he wanted. And anyway, Jongin was inviting him back. Time was of the essence, though, because soon he was going to feel and look like shit all the time. So he’d have to get Jongin to fuck him very, very soon.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyungsoo tries to meet up again with Jongin before any treatment starts.

Kyungsoo wondered how many people felt very hungry while simultaneously not that hungry at all. He hadn’t eaten very well today and it was probably a mistake. Nobody ever said you couldn’t eat before an MRI scan, but yet he’d only minced through a few bites lunch anyway at school, completely forgoing breakfast earlier.

Jongin had said he was available that evening, and maybe that was part of it. If he didn’t eat much, then he wouldn’t bloat out and look bad. Which Kyungsoo knew was a pretty bad way to think. Part of him knew he shouldn’t care about that, but the other part of him felt pouty and annoyed that Jongin was so toned and muscular, while he seemed terribly flabby in comparison.

Kyungsoo’s mom was gently counting her fingers up his back while they waited. It was something she used to do when he was little to give him shivers up his spine, but she seemed to be doing it a lot these days. It was becoming a nervous tic. He let her do it as much as she wanted, because it’s not like it felt bad, but he knew why she did it now. It’s like she was analyzing his spine now, constantly, feeling for any little thing that felt different. There’d be no possibly way for her to ever feel if one of the tumours had grown by simply tapping her fingers up his back, but she did it anyway. A self-soothing mechanism.

This was the final scan before they decided to go ahead with surgery or chemo treatment first. It depended on how many of the tumours were too close to particular nerves and in what ways they’d grown. Kyungsoo rather hoped it’d be surgery first. Clearly, neither sounded fun, but if surgery could get rid of most of it, treatment after probably wouldn’t be so bad.

“Do Kyungsoo?”

Kyungsoo got up and followed the nurse. They’d already explained that MRIs were painless but loud. Kyungsoo didn’t think he was afraid of small spaces, so it probably wouldn’t be that bad at all. He liked to think, in general, that he was not afraid of much at all, which he knew wasn’t true. Sure, he wasn’t afraid of a lot of physical things, like fire or heights or small spaces, but he knew there was a shit ton of stuff he was afraid of. Social interaction with anyone, be it one person or large groups, was hard and scary. Not having a stable future was horrifying.

Things that he’d have to deal with a lot now. Kyungsoo changed into the hospital gown and came back out to wait with his mother. The MRI technician was coming out now, introducing herself as Sooyoung, shaking his hand and asking him to come along with her.

Kyungsoo followed, shaking himself a little to get himself out of his own head again.

“Are you feeling any back pain today, even mild? The scan itself will be about half an hour. We want to assure you’ll be in a comfy position.”

Kyungsoo thought about this question. Of course it kind of hurt, that’s why he’d gone to the doctor to begin with. But it wasn’t all that bad.

“Just a little. I’m okay.”

“Once you’re laying down you’ll be stuck in that position.”

                “I know.”

                “All metal is off your body? Any metal teeth implants?”

                “None.” Kyungsoo shrugged. He was starting to drift off again, not properly listening to the MRI technician as she shooed his mother to wait in a little windowed room beside the MRI. He wondered what Jongin was doing right now, instead. What he was wearing. Jongin would fuck him today, Kyungsoo knew it.

                Kyungsoo mourned the fact that after their fuck, they probably wouldn’t see each other again. He’d already decided for himself that there wasn’t a point trying to get terribly cozy with someone in a romantic way, because it would only be a big, messy relationship full of cancer consuming both of their waking minutes. But even though he was going to stick to his rule, it still sucked to think about someone as handsome as Jongin going to waste. Then again, Jongin would probably ultimately find him boring and not on his level anyway, even if he didn’t have cancer. Art kids, Kyungsoo thought to himself as Sooyoung the MRI technician gave him headphones so the MRI wouldn’t hurt his ears. Art kids were really obnoxious anyway, any kind of them. Jongin’s bedroom was obnoxious, he was sure his roommates were obnoxious, and ultimately, Jongin probably was too.

                The MRI was just making Kyungsoo sleepy, the longer he stayed in it. You just had to lay there and be still, silently on your own, and even though there were lights inside it, they weren’t strong enough to bother Kyungsoo’s eyes. He supposed he probably did drift off, because it wasn’t long before he could hear Sooyoung asking him how he was feeling over the intercom. She was coming into the little room now to let him free from his little tube bed.

                “We asked once or twice if you were okay, but I definitely think you were.”

                “There’s nothing to be scared of, it does nothing to you.” Kyungsoo shrugged as he got off the bed.

                “A lot of people get really claustrophobic. That’s why we gave you the little panic button to hold.”

                Kyungsoo shrugged again and went to get changed. He fished his phone out of his pants pocket to check it.

                “hey if you want to come at like six thats cool with me : )”

                Jongin didn’t type well. Kyungsoo had to actively type worse to him in order to fit in. He wouldn’t cave so far as to use the constant smiley faces, which Jongin seemed to use as punctuation, but he tried to make it less formal.

                “yeah that’s cool I’ll see you then”

                Kyungsoo rushed through getting dressed and came back out to meet his mother, who always looked permanently anxious now.

                “Are you good?”

                “Yeah, I’m good, piece of cake. Momma, can I borrow the car later, at like 5:30? I’m going to a movie with friends.”

                “Are you going to be late with them?”

                “No, probably just the movie, I doubt we’ll even eat after, we’ve all got class tomorrow.”

                She nodded as they walked into the hospital parkade. “Have you told any of them yet?”

                “Well, no. They don’t need to know that.” His school friends didn’t need to know a lot of things. Kyungsoo wasn’t close to any of them. They were just business students like him. You went out for drinks and chicken, or a movie. You didn’t tell them your deep, dark problems.

                “Okay. Don’t be late. Don’t want your grades to slip, right?”

                “Yes, yes, I know!”

                She suddenly turned and smiled at him, and it made Kyungsoo smile back at her. She was smiling at him because he was being lippy to her, and they sounded like themselves. They hadn’t all week with each other, instead quietly creeping around the house and having stilted conversation. It was even worse when his father was home. The conversation stilled to nothing. It wasn’t his dad’s fault. Dads just never knew what to say.

                They drove the rest of the way home with a little better conversation. She settled onto the couch to watch one of her TV programs after, and Kyungsoo joined her, laying down across the couch with his head on her lap. He was a grown-ass man, he thought to himself, but whatever. She stroked her fingers through his hair as she watched, which felt nice. They’d both better enjoy it while he still had it.

                Kyungsoo gave her a kiss goodbye at 5:30 and went to take the car, feeling dozy again. It was probably a mixture of half-napping on his mother and not eating, but the closer he got to the university, the more alert he got. His stomach was getting twisted up in anticipation again, and he felt a little light-headed. It had felt so good last time, and Kyungsoo was sure it would be even better.

                When he approached the building, he was shocked to see Jongin’s hair was silver-white, at it looked more styled than the first time they’d met. It was incredibly jarring, and Kyungsoo focused hard to see if Jongin was still handsome with such a weird hair colour. Damn him, because of course he was. It matched perfectly with his skin tone and he looked handsome and edgy.

                “Hey you, what’d you get up to today?” Jongin put his arm around Kyungsoo as they headed towards the building. Kyungsoo wondered if either of them were going to mention the white hair, but nobody was making the first leap to do so, so nobody did.

                “I went to school then hung out at home, I’m so interesting.”

                “Wild, that’s exactly what I did.” Jongin let Kyungsoo into the dorm room. It looked as messy and chaotic as before. No cleaning up for company, even though he had time to this time.

                “Your school sounds more fun though.”

                “You know, it probably is.” Jongin wasn’t interested in conversation. He was already guiding Kyungsoo down to lay on his bed, even with all his clothes on. Kyungsoo wasn’t all that interested in it either. He was feeling more light-headed by the second at the thought of Jongin touching his body, so he reached up to put his hands on Jongin’s back and kiss him.

                “You’re so eager, I love it.”

                Kyungsoo felt proud of himself that Jongin had said that. Nobody had said he was eager to do anything at all, in his life. He moved his hands to rest on Jongin’s ass as they kept making out, frantic to get as much as he could out of this interaction before it was over.

                Maybe a little too frantic. The room started to spin a bit, and Kyungsoo realized he hadn’t been taking any breaths at all between kisses.

                “Hey, hey, wait, give me a sec.”

                “You good?”

                Kyungsoo rubbed his forehead a little bit. The room was still spinning.

                “I need something to eat. Like, I think right now.”

                “What?”

                “I think I’m gonna pass out if I don’t eat something, something proper.”

                “You didn’t eat today?”

                “No, I didn’t.” Kyungsoo sat up and put his head between his legs, not willing to explain his afternoon, or why he hadn’t eaten lunch or breakfast.

                “No problem, we’ll go grab a burger at the cafeteria. Let’s go.” Jongin got up, shifting his pants to try and hide the lump that was already forming. Kyungsoo felt guilty as shit, but followed along, slipping his shoes back on follow Jongin back out of the building. Even if they did fuck today, he wasn’t probably going to be texted back. Maybe that was better though. After all, Kyungsoo had already decided he wasn’t going to text Jongin back either.

                Jongin swiped his own student card into the cafeteria, then paid for Kyungsoo’s entry without asking or hesitating. Kyungsoo’s guilt felt worse.

                “You fill up a plate now, it’s paid for, okay? Plates are over here.” Jongin pointed to a large series of stacks of plastic plates. “Eat up.”

                “I feel like an ass.” Kyungsoo took a plate and looked over his options, gravitating towards Jongin’s original suggestion of a burger.

                “Why?”

                Kyungsoo shrugged as they went to go sit at a table. He didn’t want to use too many words that were too charged with any sort of feeling for Jongin, so it was better to stay quiet.

                “Tell me about some of the many reasons you never slept with a boy, Kyungsoo.” Jongin leaned back in his chair.

                “Shouldn’t talk so loud about that stuff.” Kyungsoo stayed focused on eating his burger.

                “Okay, got it, shame is one of them.”

                Kyungsoo rolled his eyes.

                “What else?”

                “Shyness, I guess. Just, in general.”

                “What’s the difference now? Why do you feel less ashamed and shy?”

                Kyungsoo did not like these questions at all. Jongin was watching him so carefully as he ate, and Kyungsoo decided he didn’t like that either.

                “Just, I’m old enough to figure out my own shit now.”

                “Okay, gotcha.”

                “Why’d you change your hair? The brownish colour was nice.”

                “Wasn’t interested in it, it was boring. Why?” Jongin smiled impishly. “Do you hate it?”

                “No, I don’t, actually. It’s just a really big change.”

                “It’s just hair. I change it all the time.”

                Kyungsoo wiped his mouth off with the back of his hand, another action his mother would smack him for. “I’m done, though.”

                “Do you feel better?”

                “Yeah, I do. We can go back, if you want.” Kyungsoo wondered why he added the “if you want.” He should be more affirmative. He should command a situation better. Hey, at least this was commanding one better than he had before.

                “Sure.” Jongin took Kyungsoo back up to the dorms. Kyungsoo realized that he really had just been foolish the whole time about the light-headedness being worry or excitedness. He feel terribly normal now that he’d eaten. Normal, with a mix of anticipation, but he didn’t feel sick. And this time, he was a lot more prepared for what was coming too.

                Jongin unlocked his dorm room, and Kyungsoo felt the anticipation fall away immediately as he flung the door open, the feeling instead being replaced with utter disappointment. There was a boy draped over the top bunk. One of his roommates.

                Jongin looked just as frustrated. “Tae, you said you were going to be out, you motherfuck!”

                “Yeah, well, I’m not.” The boy looked over the edge of his bunk. “Oh, Jonginnie, were you going to fuck him? He’s cute. I’m sorry.”

                The boy rolled back over in his bed without saying a word. Kyungsoo felt so much embarrassment he felt sick.

                “Um, that’s Taemin, the motherfucking _worst_ best friend in the world.” Jongin spat the word ‘worst’ out like it was foul-tasting. “I guess he would have walked in on us anyway. I’m so sorry.”

                “Shit happens.” Kyungsoo shrugged, his cheeks burning. He wanted away from the dorm immediately. _And_ he still hadn’t gotten to fuck Jongin.

                Jongin sensed it. “You heading out?”

                “Yeah, I think I better. I’ll…I’ll text you.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyungsoo thinks he gets what he wants.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note-- as I noted in a comment response, the next chapter will be Jongin POV, although the majority of the chapters will be Kyungsoo's. Hope you like this chapter!

“Mmmm, liked that, Jongin, mm, ‘s good.” Kyungsoo mumbled. He was leaning back on his elbows as Jongin jerked him, and it felt delicious whenever Jongin stayed at the tip, rubbing his thumb in circles on the slit. He didn’t mind this being-naked-in-front-of-others business nearly as much as he was certain he would. Instead, he was spread-eagle on Jongin’s little bunkbed, naked as hell and feeling very good about it, despite not having a six-pack like Jongin did.  

                Kyungsoo had to take a moment to pull himself away from how good the handjob was to take Jongin’s hand off him. As good as it felt, he didn’t want a day of handjobs. He’d blow his load too early again too.

                Jongin made a gentle, puzzled noise.

                “Want to feel you in me, okay?”

                “Yeah, I bet you do, needy. Okay.” Jongin ran his hands through his hair and then reached over on his desk for what he needed. Kyungsoo dearly hoped he actually _had_ condoms for all this, or it was a waste of time coming back up to K-Arts for a third time. If third time wasn’t the charm, then there was nothing either of them could do that could get them to fuck.

                Kyungsoo was dearly glad he was here right now, anyway. He stopped worrying when he was here. Well, he worried that he’d mess up their social interactions, but so far, things had been smooth sailing and Kyungsoo felt confident that by round 3, he could say and do things normally.

                Tomorrow was chemo. It’d been bad news earlier this week. One of the tumours was wrapped right around his fourth lumbar nerve, apparently. The doctors all used a lot of big, confusing words that annoyed Kyungsoo, but he’d been carefully googling them all afterwards, so he wasn’t stupid about what was happening in his own body. He’d googled the medicine that was going to be put into him and how it would feel, how long the whole process took, and what the short and long-term affects were, and it did help to ease the worry of not knowing, but there were a lot of other things to worry about.

                None of that mattered here in Jongin’s filthy dormitory. Kyungsoo felt strangely at peace today, able to forget there was a world out there beyond the little bunkbed filled with unpleasant responsibility. Jongin had promised that his roommates would not be home, and even though Kyungsoo didn’t totally believe that now, he was happy to pretend he did.

                Jongin was currently taking a pillow off the ground that had been flung on the floor and putting it underneath Kyungsoo’s ass, spreading his legs and starting to finger him. Kyungsoo decided for himself that he’d let Jongin do whatever he wanted to him and it would be fine by him. He had that damn cocky look on his face right now as he started loosening Kyungsoo up. All smug and handsome and dominant. He’d gotten a haircut, even though his hair was still white-silver. It was a big-time undercut, while it was still long on top. It was making him look very masculine, but then, everything seemed to. He’d asked about it right away this time. Jongin had been just as nonchalant, saying he’d had haircuts like this many times and he felt his hair had grown out enough and it needed a cut, but Kyungsoo was getting suspicious that his hair had never looked remotely the same for any of their meet-ups. What a strange thing to be so in need of control of. Kyungsoo wondered if there was a particular reason for this quirk, but he didn’t ask.

                “OH, oh, right there, yeah, that’s it.” Kyungsoo felt himself grab at the bedsheet, feeling himself lurch back into reality at what Jongin was doing to him. He was pushing his fingers far into Kyungsoo, as much as Kyungsoo could offer, fuck, it felt good from this angle on his back.

                Jongin leaned in and gave Kyungsoo a kiss, before standing up. Kyungsoo watched Jongin intently, partly interested in what he was doing, but more interested in watching his cock, if he was honest. He was shuffling through the mess on all the desks.

                “What are you doing?”

                Jongin looked sheepish, looking down and letting out a little laugh. A curious moment of vulnerability, standing there naked in a pile of mess looking confused.

                “I’m trying to find condoms, I know we have some.”

                “You and your roommates share?”

                “Yeah, I mean, not really, but we lose track of things. Hang on, I know we have them, I know we do.”

                Kyungsoo let Jongin keep looking, aimlessly jerking himself a little as he watched Jongin’s body. He looked like he was getting tenser and more frustrated the longer he looked, but Kyungsoo didn’t want to interfere and ask if he needed help.

                “Oh, here, here they are, see, I told you.” Jongin let out a sigh of relief and came back over to the bed, taking one out of the box.

                “I believed you.”

                “I’d say relax, but you look damn cozy.” Jongin grinned at him. Kyungsoo felt himself grin back. He felt comfortable, which he could say with honesty was not the case, most of the time in his life outside his house.

                “Go for it.”

                Jongin put the condom on and lubed himself up, and Kyungsoo found himself taking a deep breath. This is what he’d fantasized about for practically three damn weeks. Kyungsoo didn’t know if he wanted to close his eyes and just drink in the feeling, or if he wanted to watch, but he decided to close them. Just experience it, don’t focus on anything else except for how it felt.

                Jongin was right. It was a lot more to take than fingers. Kyungsoo let the deep breath out and felt himself open his legs a little wider.

                Jongin was putting a hand on Kyungsoo’s tummy. “You alright?”

                “Absolutely.” Kyungsoo didn’t want to wait and be gentle, as much as Jongin wanted to. He’d get over any initial pain.

                Jongin started fucking him properly after that, reading Kyungsoo’s firm tone. Kyungsoo’s eyes flashed open as he heard himself make an inhuman noise. God, that was something, it was something so good feeling but so sharp and harsh too. Jongin leaned in and caught Kyungsoo’s shocked open mouth in a kiss, and Kyungsoo felt himself wrap his arms around Jongin and kiss back, trying to keep up with how Jongin was fucking him, keep at the same pace. Jongin seemed like an old pro at it, moving fluidly in and out of Kyungsoo and somehow seeming to know when to slow down or speed up. Kyungsoo wondered if he’d just had a lot of sex, or if it was because he was a dancer and knew how to move his body smoothly. Maybe it was a mix of both. Either way, he liked it.

                Kyungsoo admitted his back hurt from this, more than he wanted. He didn’t want to think about his back at all, but it did hurt. Every time Jongin slammed into him, Kyungsoo didn’t know what he was feeling. A frustrating mixture of total bliss every time Jongin rubbed his prostate with his cock, and pain radiating up his back.

                Jongin was getting breathier, and he was pulling his face away from Kyungsoo and tipping it back. Kyungsoo figured Jongin must be close. He realized that he was so wrapped up with experiencing every last moment of what was happening that he wasn’t properly taking the time to just enjoy it, and he figured he wasn’t remotely as close as Jongin was, so he closed his eyes again and took hold of his own dick.

                Better. Going back to focusing on the thrusting helped. Kyungsoo felt the thrusting go strangely erratic, hearing Jongin’s moans come several seconds after, as if a record had skipped. He’d come, and Kyungsoo was behind, like he’d dawdled along through the whole fuck. He didn’t know if it’d be embarrassing to look up at Jongin or not, so he kept his eyes closed and jerked himself harder.

                Luckily, it was only about two minutes after Jongin that Kyungsoo made a mess over his stomach. It felt like a fucking eternity where he refused to open his eyes, but he knew he should now that it was all over.

                Jongin was leaning over him, looking curious.

                “Was that any good for you?”

                “Yeah.” Kyungsoo rested his arm against his forehead, blinking a little bit. “Yeah” was the best he could do after that? It’d felt great. It’d felt intense and wonderful, despite the back pain. He should tell Jongin that. Instead, he kept staring gormlessly at nothing.

                Jongin was climbing off Kyungsoo, laying down beside him. He was putting his arm around Kyungsoo, and this time, he let him. They stayed quiet, and Kyungsoo turned inward towards Jongin’s chest. He’d never liked cuddling, but it felt okay right now. He wished he felt happier, though. Now the fuck was over. He’d go home, start chemo, and never see Jongin again. All he would have is the memory of the dirty art kid dorm room with the boy who couldn’t stop messing with his hair. Then he’d either get too sick and die, or get better, marry some boring girl, and have a boring life.

                “Jongin?”

                “Mmhmm?”

                “I should go pretty soon…I’m going to have a long day tomorrow. I don’t have to go…quite yet.”

                “What do you have to do tomorrow?”

                “I…” Kyungsoo thought about this. “I have this big exam. It’s at eight in the morning.”

                “That sucks, I’m sorry to hear that.”

                “Can you wish me luck?”

                Jongin leaned his face close into Kyungsoo’s, before giving him an abrupt kiss on the nose, looking pleased with himself. “Good luck. I think you’ll kill it.”

                Kyungsoo let them make out for another half an hour before he got up to get dressed. Jongin looked lazy and soft, sitting up in the blankets watching him.

                “Bye, K-soo.” Jongin gave a little wave from the bed when Kyungsoo was about to leave, and Kyungsoo found himself turning around and walking over to the bed to give him one more kiss. One more, and then he really had to go. Cut this off before it got any worse. Kyungsoo walked into the parkade and into his car, holding onto the steering wheel for a moment, knuckles gripping it too tight. His ass kinda hurt and so did his back. He could still taste and smell Jongin all over him. Kyungsoo felt himself burst into tears, leaning his forehead on the steering wheel, trying hard to get a deep breath and get a handle on himself. He hadn’t cried once since the diagnosis. In fact, he almost never cried.

~

                Kyungsoo knew what a foul mood he was in. It was early. He and his mother had been at the hospital for two hours already, and all they’d done was taken a blood test. He’d barely slept last night, and now he was grouchily staring at the wall waiting for them to call his name. Once they called it, he’d have to wait many boring more hours until the chemo was actually finished, but the longer this took, the grumpier and grumpier he got.

                “I can go back home and get you some books or something. Your iPad. We’ll remember for the next time.” His mother was trying to be nice. Too nice. It wasn’t her fault he felt so angry this morning. She just thought he was scared about having to start treatment. Not that that wasn’t some of it. Kyungsoo felt like throwing up already at the thoughts of what was about to start happening to his body.

                Jongin had texted him several times last night, each a little more anxious than the last, the longer each response went by with no answer. He’d also texted good morning. Kyungsoo wanted to chuck his fucking phone out the window, block the number, do something. But he didn’t. He kept the phone jammed in his pocket, refusing to look at it unless he absolutely had to.

                “Baby, they said your name, we’re going to get this show on the road.”

                Kyungsoo tried to appreciate that his mother was trying to sound cheerful. But neither of them felt that way and he wished she would stop lying to herself. He followed along, trying his best to be polite to the nurse that was setting up his IV. He just had to sit and amuse himself for two hours. The nurse was suggesting reading, movies, or a nap. Kyungsoo figured the nap was the best option at this point. Then he didn’t have to think.

                Kyungsoo’s phone was buzzing in his pocket. Buzzing tirelessly. God. He pulled it out of his pocket despite what he knew was good for him. It was Jongin, alright. God, how he’d fucked up for both of them. Kyungsoo muted the call and put his phone back in his pocket.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jongin doesn't like to let things lie.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As promised, here's Jongin POV. The next one will be Ksoo!

“I just don’t _get_ it, Tae, I really really don’t! It’s not fair and I don’t get it.”

                “Oh, honey, you have got to get over this. You hung out three times. Move on. He was one little short dude who did not have control of his eyebrows in the slightest.”

                “First of all, they were just strong eyebrows. Second, we had such a good time, he even came back to kiss me again before he left, the last time. It doesn’t make sense. I’m worried he like, died in a car accident or something.”

                “You are so FUCKING dramatic.”

                Jongin wondered who was interested in their conversation. The other people waiting were the sort who would probably love to follow this drama intently. They were waiting to get his nipples pierced, actually, so the rest of the clientele looked edgy.

                The nipple piercing idea had come about yesterday while he and Taemin smoked a bowl. Taemin had gotten them done himself last year, and he said they’d done nothing but improve his sex life. They were sensual, fun, and exciting. They made the sensation better. Taemin had bragged them up so much that Jongin had immediately gone and made an appointment.

                He was a little nervous now. Kai had had his ears done, of course, long ago, but he’d chickened out of a nose ring last year, and he couldn’t help but recall that he’d acted like a big baby with his ears. He also recalled that Taemin had shouted in his face that he was a pussy, to get him through the experience, and that he hadn’t cared for that either. He couldn’t back out now.

                “I just….wish that there was a way for me to talk to him, just to see what the hell happened. What I did wrong, or whatever, you know?”

                “GOD, probably nothing! He just wanted to have sex with you! It’s not a big fucking deal! God, you are annoying me today!” Taemin turned his body away from Jongin, looking sulkily into his phone.

                “Like you and your motherfucking boy problems have never annoyed me all night long. Remember how long you cried because of Sejong? SIX hours when I was trying to sleep, so don’t pull that shit with me. Anyway, I know he felt something for me and I won’t hear otherwise.”

                They talked with each other a lot like this. Jongin and Taemin had always had a sharp, tell-it-as-it-is relationship, and while it might sound alarming to others, it really wasn’t. They were barely irritated with each other. Just a tiny little tiff.

                “Can I have your phone?”

                “Hm?”

                “Give me your phone.” Taemin put his hand out expectantly. Jongin handed it to him, curious as to what he wanted with it. Taemin opened it immediately without hesitating over the password, and opened Snapchat.

                “Are you going to snap my sorry ass? Just do it on your phone.”

                “Oh, I’m absolutely going to snap the whole thing, but that’s not what this is about. You had him on snapchat, yeah?”

                “Yeah. He never sent me one ever, though. I used to send him some. Look, he doesn’t even have a little Bitmoji guy, it’s just the default one. He’s really social media-stupid.”

                “Boy, how will he get by.” Taemin said dryly, before handing the phone back. “There. That’s where he is. You’re right about being social media-stupid, he didn’t turn his snap location off.”

                Jongin took his phone back, looking shocked. “Wow, smarty.”

                “I can track down anyone. That was baby easy stuff.”

                Jongin stuffed the phone in his pocket. “Jackass.”

                There was a tattooed guy coming over, his hand out. Jongin stood up to shake it.

                “Hey man, I’m Jinwoo, you ready today?”

                Jongin tried not to glance at Taemin. Taemin was going to make fun of him if he looked weak.

                “Yes, absolutely. I’m very ready.”

                “Looks like you don’t have a ton of piercing experience, you positive?

                “I’ve got moral support, let’s go.”

~

                This was a terrible idea. Jongin stood in front of the little block of townhouses. They were little family homes, but the shitty snapchat map had been somewhat indeterminant about which one Kyungsoo was located at. Jongin decided that at the very least, likely one of these was his own family home and that’s why Jongin had never been around his way.

                Second, it was a bad idea because he really should be resting right now. His nipples hurt so fucking bad he practically was going to get sick on the road. He should have headed back with Taemin and smoked more weed to feel better. That being said, what the hell could he lose if he knocked on a few doors and asked if Kyungsoo was in. Probably nothing. He was somewhere within a radius of about six townhouses. If one of them called the police, he could talk his way out of his, he was sure. Jongin looked at the little row of houses, deciding to choose the second one. No particular reason, he just had a feeling that Kyungsoo more likely wasn’t on the edge houses.  Jongin reminded himself that he always should walk into things confidently, and he hadn’t done the greatest job at it already today. Then again, he’d done it. He’d faced his fears about the piercings, and it hurt a lot, but it wasn’t that scary ultimately.

                All the little gardens in the townhouse yards were plain and empty, but he supposed it was a little too cold now for flowers. They ought to plant some bushes that could stand the cold, or something. It looked so boring. Jongin was starting to get the sense that this is how Kyungsoo had been raised, in these boxy little suburban condos devoid of personality. That might account for some of Kyungsoo’s behaviour.

Jongin reached the edge of the house, feeling himself pause for a just a split second, before forcing himself to knock with vigour. There was the sound of footsteps, then a woman answered. She looked plain and a little plump, like any mom. She looked immediately weirded out, but Kyungsoo plowed ahead anyway.

                “Is Kyungsoo home?”

                The woman looked highly suspicious now. “What is this in reference to?”

                “Um, from school. We take some business courses together and we had some homework we needed to complete.” Jongin waited. He’d stumbled slightly at the front, but he was sure he’d regained confidence for the rest of his lie.

                She continued to look suspicious, although she wasn’t lurching to say there was no Kyungsoo there. Jongin felt a victory. He was going to see Kyungsoo. He wasn’t crazy for coming.

                “He had treatment today, didn’t he tell you?”

                Treatment? What did she mean? Jongin almost felt himself take a physical step back from the doorstop.

                “Oh, yeah, didn’t come up.”

                “He’s upstairs resting, I can tell him you stopped by.” Kyungsoo’s supposed mother was starting to close the door, and Jongin felt himself hold the doorknob a little.

                “Wait, wait, can I just run upstairs and tell him the pages we need to be done? He wasn’t answering his phone and it really needs to be done. I’m so sorry for barging in, ma’am.”

                “No, he’s…”

                “Just a quick stop in, I’m really worried about my grade, our grade on this.” Jongin felt awkward as he literally squeezed his body past Kyungsoo’s mother up the stairs. Jongin glanced back slightly towards the foyer, to see Kyungsoo’s mother was standing at the bottom of them watching him go up, a disgusted look on her face. Well, not a good first impression, but it was what it was. He hoped she didn’t call the cops or anything.

                There was a closed door on the second level, and Jongin figured that this was probably the one, if he was inside sleeping. Jongin felt hesitant to open the door, but at this point, especially because he’d forced his way inside Kyungsoo’s home, he had to do it.           

                The room looked quiet but not uninviting. An unassuming desk and chair against one wall. There was a double bed on the side closer to the window, the lump of a person under a plaid blanket. There were a few posters on the wall of older movie actors. Jongin walked in and closed the door as quietly as possible, and came over to the bed, placing a hand on Kyungsoo’s shoulder. His body jerked, so he must not be terribly asleep.

                “Kyungsoo?”

                Kyungsoo turned his head to see who it was, and Jongin felt himself bite his lip. There was a moment of silence between them, where Jongin watched the colour drain away from Kyungsoo’s face. Jongin didn’t know why he was expecting a happy face. He’d clearly been ignored for a reason.

                “What the hell happened to you?”

                “How the hell did you find my house?”

                They were at an impasse. Jongin decided to answer first.

                “Long story, snapchat, shit like that. Why did you ignore me like that?”

                Kyungsoo sighed and sat up a little from his pile of blankets, rubbing his eyes with the back of one hand. “You’re fucking crazy for coming here, you fucking weirdo.”

                “Yeah, we’re over that part, okay, what happened?” Jongin felt impatient. He wanted to feel angry now, at the clear rejection of him on Kyungsoo’s part after he’d been nothing but the best person he could be.

                Kyungsoo looked off into space. Jongin felt his anger rise. Kyungsoo didn’t even look upset. “I didn’t want a relationship.”

                “But you could have told me that! You could have told me “let’s just have some fun,” or whatever. How is that fair to me!”

                “Could you lower your voice please, my mom.” Kyungsoo slid back under his covers, laying down again and turning towards the wall. “I couldn’t keep seeing you, okay? It would just make both of us miserable.”

                Kyungsoo said the last sentence in barely a whisper. Jongin recalled what his mother had said at the door.

                “You’re sick?”

                Kyungsoo nodded.

                “What sort?”

                “I have spinal cancer.”

                Jongin felt himself grow quiet, the anger slowly dissipating. He didn’t even know what emotion was replacing it. It was an emotion just as yucky as anger, but he didn’t know what still.

                “You had treatment today? Chemo? When did you find out? About all of this?”

                “Day we met. Jongin. I’m sorry.”

                The last two words came so quietly. Jongin wished more words were coming to him. He didn’t like to call himself stupid, because that wasn’t fair, but Jongin often wished he had the sort of vocabulary or, he didn’t even know, mental capacity to deal with heavy shit like this. Or anything complicated. Jongin sat on the edge of the bed instead.

                “What are you sorry about?”

                “For hurting your feelings. I know you caught them.”

                “You did too.”

                It was Kyungsoo’s turn to stay quiet, against the wall. Jongin felt a sharp pang of sadness that he wasn’t used to. Maybe that was the yucky feeling. Jongin wondered if Kyungsoo had cut it off because he was already very ill, too ill to last long, or if it was a different reason. He didn’t really want to ask any questions about the cancer, but it seemed necessary.

                “Are…will you live?”

                “Maybe. I hope so. It’s not like, terminal, or anything. Well. Currently.” Kyungsoo spoke in a very blaisé tone about it, suddenly. He hadn’t sounded like that a moment ago. He’d sounded vulnerable and sorry. Jongin almost wished he was hearing that voice. He preferred seeing Kyungsoo with his guard down, when he was caught up in some moment. The guard was up a lot, but Jongin had seen it crack. One of them had been when he’d been nestled against his chest after their fuck. Or whenever he suddenly grinned wide. Jongin couldn’t truly understand people that hid their emotions. He knew he personally couldn’t for barely a second. It made things so impersonal. Their first meeting had been somewhat impersonal, although Jongin supposed that was the nature of a hook-up. Their second had been tense, as Kyungsoo had clearly not been willing to open up at all. Now, their third meeting…Jongin had seen a lot of the real Kyungsoo. And he’d liked it a lot.

                Jongin found himself climbing all the way onto the bed, spooning Kyungsoo even though he was under blankets. It wasn’t his best idea today, although he supposed it wasn’t his worst. Lying on his side was making his nipple hurt like a bitch, but he was here now. Kyungsoo turned and looked a little alarmed.

                “I think…I think you should…should have a little fun.”

                “What do you mean?”

                “Pursue things that make you happy. Did I make you happy?” Jongin prayed he’d get the right answer. He was certain that Kyungsoo had really, properly liked him.

                Instead, Kyungsoo turned to stare at him carefully, before tugging at a strand of his hair. “Your hair is the same. You’re the same for once.”

                “Just to keep you on your toes.” Jongin waited. Kyungsoo would answer if given time.

                “You did make me happy. But it made me sad to think about putting someone else through my illness, when they didn’t sign up for that.”

                Jongin tried hard to think about what Kyungsoo was trying to say. He knew he jumped the gun on a lot of things, and Kyungsoo was telling him not to. But then, jumping the gun had rarely failed him yet.

                “Okay, bam, signed up. Read the terms and conditions. Can I take you out to dinner properly soon?”


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyungsoo and Jongin have their first date.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone. This chapter is a little longer, but anyway, enjoy!

 

                Kyungsoo really didn’t mind radiation appointments much. Of all the things he was learning were his new normal routines, radiation was definitely the most stable.

                It was every weekday, but early so that it didn’t impede with school or chemo, and over in about fifteen minutes. His mom would drive him down to the hospital for eight in the morning, he’d doze lightly while they zapped him, then he’d get a chance to either go home and sleep a little more before school, or stay at the hospital until it was his turn for chemo. It was fast, easy, and so far, Kyungsoo hadn’t seen any sort of physical changes to his body from it.

                Chemo was becoming a drag. It was twice a week, and he wasn’t terribly squeamish about the needle, but the more he had it, the sicker he felt by the time he got home, and the next day too. His doctors had said that that is what would happen, that the medicine would compound in his system each time to work harder after the cancer, but it fucking blew. He’d go home and sleep until he woke up, ready to throw up everything out of his system, or worse, out the other end. He’d continue to feel shitty, but force his way to school the next day and suffer through a churning stomach ache.

                He’d been keeping a journal of any little thing his body felt for awhile now. Part of it seemed a little pointless and stupid, but Kyungsoo partly felt soothed by the action of writing it down. The one helpful thing was, it told him which days per week he wouldn’t feel sick. It also recorded how much his back hurt, which he was endlessly getting asked by doctors and nurses now. His left leg had lately started to hurt and sometimes tingle, which was a new development It was frustrating as fuck that he didn’t feel sick at all before he found out the stupid fucking tumours, but now he felt sick to his stomach all the time.

                Today, he should not feel sick. He’d better not. He’d resisted Jongin for awhile still, continuing to tell him it wasn’t a good idea, that he was feeling worse all the time and they wouldn’t be properly dating in the slightest. But Jongin had fought tooth and nail for a date despite this. He’d argued that you couldn’t let your whole life be dictated by one thing, that going on a date wouldn’t be about the cancer.

                Jongin was truly crazy for wanting to be involved in this. Kyungsoo definitely didn’t believe that the date wouldn’t end up devolving into cancer talk for a second, but Jongin had kept it up, arguing his side. Kyungsoo had finally agreed to dinner, and had carefully planned it for a Friday. He felt pretty good on Fridays, Saturdays, and Sundays, and Friday was a date sort of night anyway.

                But for now, he was barely awake while the technician gave him is radiation. All these attempts to make cancer care quiet and mild for the sake of anxious patients just made him incredibly fucking sleepy, which, again, was not a bad thing. Kyungsoo hoped that what they were doing right now would cut the tumours down small, let them be operated on and removed, so that he wouldn’t have to deal with any worse shit. He didn’t want to become a horror story, someone struggling to stay alive with a million different experimental drugs running through his system to try and fight this. It was just a depressing thought.

                “All done, Kyungsoo, any plans for this weekend?” The technician was wrapping it up. Kyungsoo realized now was probably a pretty good time to express to his mother that he was going out tonight, even if it was a lie about where.

                “Barbeque with friends tonight, probably chill the other two days, get homework done.”

                His mother was nodding along vaguely. Good. She was getting more and more used to the notion that he was going to go and do normal things despite being sick. She didn’t act so depressed now whenever he left the house.

~

                Jongin had changed his hair again. As Kyungsoo approached the patio of the restaurant, there he was, waiting. It was a sort of honey-blond now, pushed back into a messy, piecy quiff. Kyungsoo was also a little disconcerted that he was wearing makeup, quite obviously. Eyeshadow and liner. Kyungsoo wondered if he’d put it on for the date, or if he always wore it. He’d never seen him outside of the setting of his own bedroom, really, so it was hard to say. Kyungsoo had tried to dress up, himself, but he supposed that Jongin would go more over-the-top. Even if he wasn’t an art kid, he just seemed like that sort of person anyway.  

                Jongin smiled big and came over, putting his arm immediately around him. Kyungsoo did his best to relax into his arm, even though he was nervous as all hell and this was a public place. It was hard for him to comprehend that he’d need to talk, for a long period of time, probably about himself, but it was something he’d done before with his ex-girlfriends, so hopefully it wouldn’t be so bad.

                “You look nice tonight. Look at you, little leather jacket.” Jongin tugged the lapel of the jacket a little bit, and Kyungsoo felt his cheeks go a little warm, looking towards his feet.

                “Thank you. You look handsome too.” Kyungsoo felt himself smiling, even though he was too shy to look Jongin directly in the eye as he said it. Goddamn him for making him smile so quickly. Kyungsoo felt endlessly irritated that Jongin was right in his side of the argument. They fucking liked each other properly.

                “I’m really hungry, although I say that all the time. Make sure we feed you too so you don’t go fainting on me.” Jongin was heading inside the restaurant, pulling Kyungsoo’s hand to come along.

                “I ate lunch.” Kyungsoo refrained from mentioning that he had lost weight, already, from not eating very well Monday through Thursday and throwing up a lot. He’d try to make it back up on the weekend when he felt fine, but weight had still been lost.

                “You have a good week? I mean, we’ve texted, I guess you’ve been alright, yeah? I’ve been thinking about you a lot.”

                Jongin was speaking quickly, and Kyungsoo noted that he sounded nervous. A little victory. It wasn’t so easy going on a real date. Mindless hookups were much easier.

                “Yeah, I’ve been alright.” Kyungsoo parked himself in his chair and grinned. “You look like you need to take a valium, or something. Deep breath.”

                Jongin let out a peculiar laugh. “I’m sorry.”

                “No big deal. What’d you do at school this week?” Kyungsoo felt surprised that he was being the more normal out of the two of them. He usually felt very awkward and stiff, and besides, Jongin had been so bold and straightforward in all their other interactions. He’d tracked down his house, for god’s sake.

                Jongin launched into a story about his dance, and Kyungsoo listened carefully. It was a rapid story, filled with a lot of names of people that he was trying to explain as quickly as they entered the story, but it was clear that he was really passionate about it. Kyungsoo knew he was a good listener, so he let Jongin ramble on about his dance, about some graded performances coming up, about an exhibition show they were going to have. Letting Jongin get it all out there would help him relax too.

                “What about yourself?” Jongin was finally taking a deep breath. “What did you do this week?”

                “I know we said no cancer stuff, but just to get it out of the way, I went to chemo on Monday and Wednesday, pretty straightforward. Other than that, I had class the other days and this afternoon before we met up. I don’t think I could explain quite so vibrantly how fun Introduction to Human Resources Management is, but I do like it. There’s this funny, analytical thing about business courses that I find sort of nice. Like you do learn about people, even if it’s kind of in a sneaky psychological way. I don’t know if that makes sense.”

                “No, it’s really interesting.” Jongin leaned in, his eyes going wide. “I’m not smart like that. So like, you learn what we wanna buy, and stuff, as people?”

                “Definitely part of it. Why don’t you think you’re smart?”

                “Just never got good grades. High school was so frustrating, I felt like words jumbled together. Not good with them.”

                Kyungsoo felt surprised to hear this admission. He didn’t know Jongin that well, so maybe he wasn’t smart, but he didn’t seem dumb to him.

                “You’re smart in other ways, likely, even if words aren’t your thing.”

                “You always sound really smart, you know, have this sort of intelligent air about you. Made me sort of nervous, you know?”

                “Do I really?” Kyungsoo felt himself laugh. “I don’t sound smart in my head talking to you. I sound like I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

                “Maybe we need to both realize we’re doing better than we think.”

                Kyungsoo nodded, taking the menu to look at it. Relief was rolling off him in waves. They were good.

                “Not to sound like that guy so fast, but did you intend to come up to mine after we’re done dinner?”

                “Was that not on the agenda? I brought my car.” Kyungsoo didn’t look up from the menu. Sex was the most straight forward thing about them.

                “I just didn’t know if you had anywhere to be after. I’m down.” Jongin looked pleased about this, picking up his own menu.

                “You could have any guy, you know. You could walk into any place and pick up a straight dude, you’re that good-looking. Why me?”

                Jongin looked surprised. “Hm?”

                “Don’t give me that you don’t think you’re handsome. You know you are.”

                “Hey, hey, I know. I know I’m handsome. I’m vain as hell. But you don’t think you are?”

                “I’m just alright. Like, I’m not ugly, I know that, but.”

                “Ksoo, you’re a handsome guy too. I answered you on Grindr because I was attracted to you. I love your eyes, your build, your lips. Please don’t say you’re just alright.”

                “It’s hard to undo how you feel about yourself just like that.” Kyungsoo mulled over the fact that soon he’d look much worse than just alright, but decided not to say anything.

                “No, I get that it’s a process. But start by not putting yourself down.”

                “Okay, okay. I won’t.”

                “Good. You’re ready to order?”

                Dinner went better after that. Jongin had two sisters, and he said he was close with them. He said they hated him when he was little because he used to rip apart all their stuffed dolls. He said he was diagnosed with ADHD when he was a kid but he never felt the label fit him, that he didn’t feel hyperactive and more just misunderstood. Kyungsoo found himself talking about the distance between his older brother and himself, and his dad and himself. How he felt like an only child because his brother was so much older. It was weird putting it all out there like that, but if Jongin could do it, so could he. They were both getting anxious by the end of dinner, ready to get laid, which was fine by Kyungsoo. He was too anxious to touch Jongin much in public, but it was easy in private, and god, he wanted to touch him.

                “What if your roommates are home?”

                “It’s Friday night, really doubtful. Unless they’re bringing dates home too. Don’t worry about Taemin, I know he was kinda weird when you met him, he was probably just a little high. You haven’t met Sehun but he’s really chill.”

                “Are they both your best friends?”

                “Yeah, they are. Taemin maybe a little more, but pretty close.”

                Kyungsoo felt a little jealous that Jongin had such close friends, but he put that aside as they drove up towards the dormitories. He knew how much he was praying for an empty dorm, and he figured Jongin probably was too. God was on their side, at least, and it was empty. The two of them set to work the second they were locked inside. There was a franticness to it, a desperation to fuck immediately just in case Taemin and Sehun did come home.

                Jongin was unbuttoning his shirt slower than Kyungsoo expected. He’d already gotten all the way naked. There was no time for foreplay right now. Kyungsoo was going to mention how impatient he felt, until he saw Jongin’s chest.

                “What the hell is that?”

                “What the hell is what?”

                “Those!” Kyungsoo pointed. He had a barbell piercing through each nipple, and they looked red and sore. They were one-hundred percent not there any of the other times they’d seen each other. Kyungsoo found himself cringing a bit. They looked fucking weird.

                “Hm? You mean these? They’re…they’re new.” Jongin looked sheepish.

                “Why’d you get them?” Kyungsoo knew he sounded sharp and a little accusatory. Piercings, through his plump, beautiful nipples. Spoiling them.

                “Because I wanted to. I took a risk. They’ll look sexy when they stop being so fucking sore.”

                “Are they quite sore then?” Kyungsoo rested his elbows against the mattress and blinked up at Jongin.

                “ _Incredibly_ sore. I’m sorry.”

                “I won’t touch then.” Kyungsoo decided to put away his attitude. It was Jongin’s body and he shouldn’t judge it. Jongin was now busily reaching down to touch Kyungsoo, get between his legs, and Kyungsoo settled back to let him. His back was pretty sore, he was realizing as he leaned in, however. Hurt and was rubbing, probably from all the radiation he was getting, at least partly. Kyungsoo didn’t want to be on his back. He wanted back on Jongin’s lap. Maybe Jongin would fuck him on his lap. That thought excited Kyungsoo. It seemed intimate and special.

                Kyungsoo decided he’d just climb into his lap after he was done getting fingered, words not needed. He’d really liked when he’d been in Jongin’s lap the first time they’d met.

                Jongin made a curious face as Kyungsoo squirmed out from under him. Kyungsoo didn’t really want to spoil the mood by saying he was kinda in pain.

                “Sit on the edge of the bed, want to do it this way.”

                “You really like being a bottom, it’s cute.” Jongin grinned and did as he was told, and Kyungsoo waited so he could get his dick wrapped and ready to go. Jongin moved quickly, and it didn’t take long for them to get tangled up in each other.

                “Jonginnie, ah, ah, fuck, that feels good.” Kyungsoo realized quickly that he had to be the one to move up and down, but that was okay. The pressure was off his back, and it was nice to be the one in control.

                Jongin ran his fingers of one hand through Kyungsoo’s hair, supporting him with his free hand. Kyungsoo didn’t pay much attention to it, until Jongin froze after, his hand held up in mid-air behind Kyungsoo’s head.

                “What’s that face?”

                Jongin brought his hand to the front. In it was a wad of Kyungsoo’s hair. Kyungsoo felt alarmed and reached to feel his scalp where Jongin had touched it. There was still hair there. Kyungsoo felt himself start to laugh.

                “This is really not funny, I don’t know why I’m laughing.”

                Jongin started to laugh a little too, still clutching the hair. “What do I do with it?”

                “Throw it in the bin, I guess. God, I’m such a mess.”

                “Are you feeling okay? You want to stop?” Jongin awkwardly put the wad of hair on the closest desk, as it was the only place in arm’s reach he could put it without getting up.

                “I’m okay, wanna do this now. Can think about my impending baldness later. Maybe don’t touch my head any more.”

                “You’re a stoic.” Jongin let Kyungsoo start moving up and down again, putting both his hands on Kyungsoo’s back this time. He did it gently, and it felt good and slightly tingly up Kyungsoo’s spine. Jongin found him fragile now, he knew, but that was life.

                Kyungsoo made sure he focused this time, and this time, they came closer together. He didn’t like to be an amateur at anything, and he knew he was a quick learner. Kyungsoo slipped off Jongin’s lap and laid down. Jongin was following suit, pulling his blanket over them.

                “Hey, I know we said no cancer, but can we talk about your cancer? I have questions.”

                “Okay, okay. Go ahead.” Kyungsoo blinked at Jongin and waited.

                “Where does it hurt you the most? When do you expect to lose your hair? Do the doctors say you’re doing good?”

                “My back aches like I’m an old man, currently, so I sleep on my side mostly. The tumours are right here,” Kyungsoo took Jongin’s hand and put it on his back, moving it to the right spot. “And here and here. That was the first hair loss I’ve experienced so far, although I’ve been waiting for it. Doctors don’t say much about how I’m doing so far, probably want to wait until I’m further into treatment. They were positive at the beginning that I was young and tough and I’d beat it, so we’ll see.”

                Jongin nodded, looking pensive. Kyungsoo wondered if Jongin would start to snap out of himself and realize it was a bad idea getting together with a cancer patient, but instead he shifted a little closer and rested his arm around him.

                “You’re welcome to stay the night, although no pressure if you don’t feel like it.”

                Kyungsoo nodded, mulling over whether he wanted to lie to his mother about it, or just come home instead. He’d decide later.

                They cuddled and dozed for some time, and Kyungsoo didn’t know how long they did it for until they were basically just sleeping. All he knew is that he was jerked awake by the sound of the door opening. The roommates. Kyungsoo felt himself stiffen.

                Jongin was sitting up a little. Kyungsoo stayed down, mostly hidden by the blanket and Jongin, but he could see Taemin come inside, along with a terribly tall, handsome guy with sharp, intense eyebrows. It was either Sehun, or a date.

                “Jonginnie getting that dick, I see.” Taemin dropped his bag onto the ground.

                “Gross.” The other boy was tossing off his coat onto a bed. Sehun definitely.

                “Jealous. Why are you guys here so early?” Jongin rubbed a hand through his hair.

                The other boy, Sehun spoke. “Party. It was super fucking lame, though. We were going to just smoke a bowl and go to bed. You in?”

                Kyungsoo felt alarmed that they kept drugs on them, or that Jongin did drugs at all. All three of them treated it as if it was completely normal, not terrible and illegal.

                “Yeah, I’m in. Ksoo, you want in?”

                “Ohhh, no, no, maybe I should go.” Kyungsoo felt embarrassed about being the no-fun person, but it was not okay to smoke weed.

                Taemin took a bong out and started getting it ready. He spoke without even looking up. “Weed’s a great pain reliever, cancer boy. Your loss.”

                Jongin was making an exasperated noise. “Tae, shut the fuck up.”

                Kyungsoo felt a big pang of annoyance that he was going to let this Taemin best him. He didn’t like him at all, and he felt instantly competitive, although he didn’t know why.  

                “Give me, I want a turn once you guys have it ready.”

                Jongin looked surprised. “You want to try some weed?

                “Taemin says it’s good for pain. Might as well try it.”


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyungsoo has some ups and downs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have been trying to update at least once a week, so I hope I can keep it up! Enjoy, guys!

                “Alrighty, he’s in, guys.” Taemin was pulling up a rickety looking desk chair closer to the bed so he could sit closer. Jongin was sitting up, pulling some of the blanket with him, so Kyungsoo followed and sat up behind him, tucking the blanket carefully around his waist.

                He felt a little over-aware that he was naked and Taemin and Sehun were fully-clothed, so he prayed Jongin wouldn’t bother putting anything on for now so that he wouldn’t be the only awkward one. Taemin moved so quickly while setting up the bong, making Kyungsoo assume they did this a lot. Kyungsoo wished his opinion of Jongin wasn’t sullied slightly, but it was. Jongin smoked weed and probably did other inappropriate or illegal things. He should have seen this coming, being the artsy sort, but it still put him on edge.

                That being said, Kyungsoo had said yes to smoking some, so he couldn’t be that much better of a person. He leaned his head on Jongin’s shoulder a little while he waited. He’d see how to even do it. Taemin had a bottle of water in his hand, pouring it carefully into the bong, before getting the actual weed out and placing it carefully in a little compartment on the side. Kyungsoo felt sheepish that he was twenty-one and had never seen a bong in real life. He wasn’t so stupid that he’d never seen one in pictures, or anything, but he still felt babyish.

                “Here, we’ll go first, show you how to do it, okay? Honestly, you’ll probably cough a lot because you’ve never done it, but that’s normal, so don’t freak out or think you messed up, okay?”

                Kyungsoo nodded, keeping his head on Jongin’s shoulder. He appreciated that Jongin was cognizant enough to realize that messing up would make him embarrassed. Like Jongin already did understand him very well.

                Taemin went first, and immediately Kyungsoo did not care for the smell of the weed. It was odd and pungent and not like a regular smoke at all. Kyungsoo wondered how he’d feel after he’d had some. Would it make him act ridiculous? How much did it take?

                Jongin went next, and Kyungsoo felt jealous how the easy the two of them made it look. His stomach had started to flip-flop at the idea that he would have to try and do the same thing so smoothly. Jongin said he likely wouldn’t, and would cough, but he still felt nervous. Jongin was putting the bong on his lap, currently, petting the back of his neck with his free hand.

                “Don’t put your mouth on the outside, put it on the inside, okay? Here, put your hands like this.”

                Kyungsoo felt like a child receiving these instructions, but he followed along anyways. Jongin was instructing him to just breathe in once, then move the bong away and breathe all the smoke out. Kyungsoo follow the instructions along dopily, trying his best to not look like an ass, but he did end up coughing and hacking all over the place anyway. Jongin was thumping his back a bit, taking the bong from Kyungsoo and passing it over to Sehun.

                “There, you did good!”

                “Don’t sound so patronizing, please.”

                Jongin laughed. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to. I really did mean you did fine.”

                “Still said it like I was a baby, don’t do that.”

                “Okay, okay.” Jongin was leaning back on his elbows onto the bed. Kyungsoo wondered if smoking just that small amount of weed would make that much of an impact on him, or if he should have some more. It felt embarrassing to ask, so he didn’t.

                The sent it around for one more round, so he supposed just one hit wasn’t all that much. The room smelled really gross, and Kyungsoo found himself wondering what they did to remove the smell. They clearly had done this before, but the room had never smelled like that. Maybe a little sweaty, but mostly neutral with a touch of sweet, like maybe incense.

                “You guys still getting on, then? Cute, Jonginnie.” Taemin pulled off his sleeveless turtleneck and looked around on the floor, finally pulling a sweatshirt off it and putting that on instead. Kyungsoo decided that nobody here cared about nudeness.

                “I mean, he was so into him. I’m sure they are.” Sehun was looking over Kyungsoo’s face carefully. Kyungsoo immediately liked him better. Something about him seemed no-nonsense.

                “He was, eh?” Kyungsoo turned and gave Jongin a smirk.

                “He was sooooo moony when you didn’t text him back.”

                “So he went and got his nipples pierced?” Kyungsoo grinned at Sehun. It was fun to roast Jongin a little bit.

                Sehun clapped his hands together and laughed. Kyungsoo felt delighted. He was not the best at jokes, and he didn’t think he was feeling any different from the weed yet.

                Hey, hey now—” Jongin was trying to talk over the laughing.

                “No, he’s right, Jong, that’s exactly what happened.” Taemin was also laughing.

                “You told me it was a good idea!”

                “I might have _nudged_ you, but you were having the crisis, not me.”

                Kyungsoo leaned in and kissed Jongin’s cheek, so he didn’t feel so attacked. Kyungsoo was growing attached to this tiny cesspool of a room. It was okay to be whatever in here. He didn’t have to worry about what anyone would think about him.

                “Jongin, I’m kinda hungry again.” Kyungsoo wondered if the cafeteria was still open. It was getting kind of late.

                “Excellent, who wants to go eat?” Jongin spoke with no hesitation. They’d eaten well at the restaurant, so Kyungsoo didn’t know why he wanted to eat again, but he figured he should when his body wanted it.

                “Yeah, food was shit at the party, let’s go get barbeque.” Taemin was already getting up, unbothered at his sloppy outfit.

                “Oh, all the way off campus?” Kyungsoo had the car, but he figured he shouldn’t drive. They’d have to take the bus or something.

                “Yeah, sound good to everyone? I’m starved.” Taemin had decided for everyone, but barbeque did sound good. Cheerful and social too. Kyungsoo always had a decent time when he went with classmates, but he knew these three would make it more fun than that.

~

                Kyungsoo looked over at the page of bloodwork carefully, knowing the numbers on the paper meant very little to him. He’d already stared at the MRI print-out for long enough.

                The chemo they’d been trying so far hadn’t really done shit, simply put, although he kept staring at the page like something would change on it. His doctor had continued to be positive, pointed out that one of the tumours had shrunk slightly and that there hadn’t really been any growth. It’d likely shrunk a little from the radiation, though, so the chemo had been useless.

                “Sometimes you have to try more than one kind, right?” His doctor was speaking now with a mild voice, trying to be soothing. “You finished a whole round of this drug, so we’ll move on and try something new for your next round. That happens.”

                “My leg goes numb all the time.” Kyungsoo said it abruptly, knowing it didn’t match the conversation they’d been having. He’d mentioned it to some nurses, who’d half-listened. But clearly, there was something wrong going on within him now, much worse and much more real feeling than before.

                His doctor continued to speak evenly. “We’ll see if any of the tumours are pushing on any nerves. If it makes it easier for you, we can suggest a small surgery to put a port into your chest, so you don’t have to go through the hassle every time you come in of having to find a vein. They’re fairly small and makes a lot of things easier.”

                Kyungsoo felt overwhelmed. This wasn’t fair and it wasn’t how things were supposed to go. He was supposed to be getting better. He knew cancer treatment took time, but it shouldn’t do nothing. It felt worse than nothing, because his leg felt weird and something just felt off. Nobody at the hospital was all that concerned, which was pissing him off too. 

                That, and his hair had continued to thin. It came out all over his pillow every morning, and he knew it looked greasy too at the moment, because he was hardly washing it. Kyungsoo felt frustrated that nobody did anything for boys when they lost their hair. They should just wear a hat, like that wasn’t obvious at all. He was lucky that he’d had lots of hair to begin with, or it would look really bad at this point, but some guys weren’t so lucky.

                “Okay, can do the port, it’s fine.” Kyungsoo shrugged. “Am I going to be back on my Monday-Wednesday schedule?”

                “At the moment, that seems to be what works best for all of us. Do you have questions?”

                “Probably, but I won’t know them until tomorrow.” Kyungsoo looked down at his notebook, the page a mess of scribbly writing today.”

                “Well, we’ll see you tomorrow, Kyungsoo, take care of yourself. Go for a walk today, get your leg moving, okay?”

                Kyungsoo nodded and looked over at his mother. She didn’t look happy. Fuck all this for making his whole family miserable. He didn’t want to take a walk. He wanted to go into his room and get under the covers and not wake up for a week. That sounded much better.

                He wished his mom hadn’t come to this appointment. The drive home was unbearable, just like the first day he’d gotten his diagnosis. Stiff and silent, while she fretted. Kyungsoo went up to the bathroom as soon as they got home, to check his scalp again. It had been a gross obsession over the last week. He’d done his best to not touch it the next time he saw Jongin, and he hoped to God it didn’t look that bad when they had seen each other, because he just wanted their time to be normal. Barbeque with his friends had been fun, and Kyungsoo had enjoyed the loose feeling the weed gave him. They’d gone to a movie for their next date, and they’d gotten dessert after. Just normal fucking things.

                He shouldn’t have touched. More was coming out when he ran his hands through it to see. Fuck, it looked bad. Kyungsoo found himself digging around for the electric razor in the cupboard under the counter, but found himself dropping his search as quickly as he’d started it, leaning against the bathroom door. He couldn’t bear to bring the razor to his head, willingly make himself bald and ugly. He’d chickened out, which was no surprise. Like he always did.

                Except for the one time he hadn’t. Kyungsoo fished his phone out of his pocket and went to his messages with Jongin, before changing his mind and calling him instead.

                “Ksoo?” Jongin sounded surprised but pleased. Kyungsoo knew he’d never called him before, so it probably was quite shocking.

                “Hey, are you busy right now?” Kyungsoo whispered, in case anyone heard. Likely not, as his mother was downstairs, but he had to be careful.

                “Are you okay? I’m not busy.”

                “Can you buzz my hair off?”

                There was a pause. It felt like an eternity or longer. Kyungsoo felt like throwing up.

                “Things aren’t so okay, are they?”

                “No.”

                “No worries, I can help you out.”

                “I need to go for a walk later.”

                “Hair, walk, we have an agenda, come on over.”

                Kyungsoo left the house, feeling angry with himself for being so needy. He ultimately barely knew Jongin. But none of his friends were the type of friend you asked that of, and god, he’d rather die than ask his mom.

                He was already trying to apologize to Jongin before he even said hello, but Jongin didn’t seem bothered, bringing him inside calmly. How could he be so fucking _good_? How could he not take issue with all this? Kyungsoo knew for _sure_ that he wouldn’t be willing to take someone on like himself.

                “Are we going with movie villain or just enlisted?” Jongin was taking him into the bathroom of the dormitory.

                Kyungsoo appreciated the joke. He’d end up like movie villain, but he supposed he’d ease himself in. “Just enlisted, please. Give me the number three.”

                Jongin looked over Kyungsoo’s face. “Will it be easier for you to watch, or will that make it worse for you?”

                “I don’t think I want to see.”

                “Then close your eyes. This won’t take long.” Jongin had the sort of razor for doing hair, and Kyungsoo wondered if he ever cut his own hair. A bit of a frightening thought, but unsurprising with Jongin. Kyungsoo clamped his eyes shut and bit his lip. He felt Jongin put a towel around his shoulders and give his head a little scratch, before turning on the razor. The little whir of the electric razor made Kyungsoo’s heart thump, but he was going to go through with it. Better to be done with this, then suffer and feel helpless as it came out in weird, patchy sections. Jongin did work quickly as promised, which compounded in Kyungsoo’s mind that he had shaved hair off at least someone’s head, if not his own, before. Soon, he felt Jongin blowing on his head to get spare hair bits away, before ruffling his hand over his head. It felt strange to feel basically nothing there.

                “Ta da, off to army you go, see you in two years.”

                Kyungsoo finally opened his eyes.  It didn’t look good, but Jongin had done a tidy job, and it wasn’t nearly as bad as he was expecting. Maybe because he wasn’t shiny-head bald yet. Kyungsoo looked up at Jongin.

                “I really appreciate it.”

                “You said you needed to take a walk?”

                “Doctor’s orders.”

                “It’s been that sorta day, huh?” Jongin took Kyungsoo’s hand. “We’ll go for a walk around campus. You can tell me what’s going on.”

                “I’m not making your day any better with this, we can just walk.”

                “No, tell me.”

                Kyungsoo felt a pang of worry as he stepped out of the dorm. Did he look really terrible? Would anybody look at him? Nobody seemed to be, so he followed Jongin along.

                “I just, I was told that what we’d been doing hasn’t really done anything to make the tumours go away. They’re going to put me on a different type of chemo, and they say it’s not like…worse, or anything, but I just…”

                “It’s not what you wanted to hear.”

                “It felt like a defeat, I dunno.”

                “It’s not though, right? It’s more like a stalemate. Not like that’s great either, but at least it’s not regressing, right?”

                Jongin seemed to be speaking carefully, like he was trying to not mess up what he was talking about. Kyungsoo recalled that Jongin said he wasn’t good with words. It was clear he was trying to not fuck up the conversation by talking about what he didn’t know.

                “I guess you’re right. Jongin, take me to your favourite place here.”

                “I can do that. Here, we have to go up to this rooftop parkade to get to it, follow me.”

                Jongin started moving quicker, and Kyungsoo wished his legs were longer to keep up. He was holding Jongin’s hand, but it felt like he was being dragged a little bit. But Jongin was excited with the idea, and that was what mattered.

                There was a little set of stairs that were blocked off with a chain at the edge of the parkade Jongin dragged him up to. Jongin was climbing over it.

                “It says not to go here.”

                “Is that going to stop me? No.”

                Kyungsoo sighed and followed along, up the narrow stairwell. Jongin really liked to break all rules, even little ones. But that was who he was.

                “Look, look how pretty it is.”

                Kyungsoo looked out at what Jongin was trying to show him. They were now actually on top of the building, probably the highest point. There was an access point up because you could reach the electric box there, but otherwise, it was just a plain cement roof. But you could see across the campus and out into Seoul some more. The sun hadn’t started to set yet, but it would soon, and Kyungsoo imagined it was very pretty.

                “Why do you like it up here?”

                “I practice dancing here a lot. I like the solitude. I love to perform but sometimes I feel like I can get it just right here, first.”

                Kyungsoo nodded, sitting down on the concrete. It was getting kind of cold out this time of year, and his ass was immediately cold, but whatever. Jongin was sitting down beside him, putting his arm around him and pulling him in. Kyungsoo abruptly felt his eyes well up. He tried to blink away the tears a bit before Jongin noticed, but it was too late.

                “What’s on your mind?”

                “I don’t even really know you that well, but I feel like I’m relying on you. I don’t want to feel so fucking needy. I’ve never been needy. GOD!” Kyungsoo wiped his eyes with both sleeves of his jacket. “I don’t like crying either.”

                “I cry all the time. I cried a couple days ago because I saw a dead bird on the side of the road. Don’t feel bad about that.”

                “That doesn’t stop me from being too needy.”

                “I think you have a right to need more out of people right now. You shouldn’t have to suffer through stuff alone, how shit is that?”

                “I should find support with people I know better.”

                “Okay, look.” Jongin took his arm off Kyungsoo and turned to face him instead, putting his hands on Kyungsoo’s knees. “Yeah, we don’t know everything about each other. But can I hazard the statement that I am closer to you than you want to admit? I know you’ve never been happily intimate with anyone but me, and Ksoo, we formed a bond, that you can only have with a partner.”

                “What are we, then, Jongin?”

                “You’re my boy, Soo.”

                Kyungsoo dipped his head down, feeling a few more tears drop onto his lap. His mouth was stretching into the kind of grin that made his cheeks hurt.

                “We’re boyfriends, then?”

                “I think we’ve been boyfriends for a little while, if I’m honest.”

                Kyungsoo snorted out a little laugh. “You’re probably right. See you’re smart, smarter than me. Jongin? It is beautiful up here.”

                “Give it time, it’ll get better when the sun goes down.” Jongin scooted himself back to sitting beside Kyungsoo. “Everything always does.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyungsoo gets his surgery to put a port in his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I took two days extra to update. Enjoy!

“Don’t worry, Kyungsoo is really easy-going, it won’t be like last time. He isn’t squeamish, he just shuts his eyes when something is bothering him.”

                “Right, I’ll go meet him now.”

                Kyungsoo put his hand to his mouth a little to keep from laughing. His doctor wasn’t even trying to hide the conversation him and his med student were having, and honestly, it should have been making him feel a little nervous, but it didn’t. The med student was going to be putting his port into his chest, and the poor guy was nervous. It sounded like the last one hadn’t gone very smoothly, for whatever reason. But all the doctors and nurses were right—he made their job as easy as possible, making sure he was docile and willing to jam him with whatever needles they needed. It made it easier for everyone involved, including himself, if there wasn’t a struggle.

                The med student was coming over now, looking as cheerful as possible. He was tall, with big eyes and bigger ears, but Kyungsoo immediately got a very naturally gentle energy off him. He had a young face, but Kyungsoo imagined he had to be at least twenty-six or twenty-seven, at the very very earliest, if he was a med student.

                “Hi Kyungsoo, you can call me Chanyeol.” Chanyeol was offering his hand for Kyungsoo to shake. Kyungsoo took it, feeling that the hand was a little clammy. Perhaps he was pretty early into his residency. He looked more nervous than Kyungsoo felt.

                Kyungsoo nodded and mumbled out a hello. Most people probably wouldn’t want to be cut open by someone new and anxious and awkward, but someone had to let him so he could learn. It wasn’t that big of a deal. There’d be doctors and nurses who had done it a hundred times over right there.

                “Do you have questions about the procedure before we start? Here are the wavers and consent forms, I’ll give you time to read them all over.”

                Kyungsoo took the forms to read them, although it was really more of a formality. He’d googled the procedure meticulously already, and it didn’t seem so bad. It was about an hour, and he wouldn’t be knocked out altogether, but he’d be dopey and uncaring from medication. They’d pop it into his chest, sew him up, and move on. Kyungsoo didn’t even mind today. He was getting a break from chemo, and he was going to sleep over at Jongin’s tonight.

                His mother hadn’t been happy when he’d said he was having an all-night power study session with friends because of an exam tomorrow. She’d fought and argued with him for days about it, saying he needed his rest, but Kyungsoo had argued that they wouldn’t be doing anything except staying inside and reading and quizzing his friends, and that he needed to do well on his test. All lies, except for the part about staying inside. It did make Kyungsoo feel bad, to some degree, to be lying so much, but he felt torn about the whole situation in general. Not lying, and not seeing Jongin, felt like a much worse option.

                He had said to Jongin that it was a sleepover, not a fuckathon. Kyungsoo wasn’t so stupid as to realize that he wouldn’t be much good for anything after the surgery, and the doctors had said to rest for twenty-four hours anyway, and not lift anything for three days. He was going there to sleep.

                Kyungsoo finished signing the papers and handed them over to Chanyeol, smiling a little to try and make him relax.

                “I am an easy patient, Dr. Yoo was right.”

                Chanyeol laughed, looking slightly ashamed. “Ahh, I’m sorry you heard that. I don’t want you to think I’m not unprofessional, or something.”

                “It’s okay.” Kyungsoo shrugged. There was a nurse helping him into a wheelchair to go into the radiology suite, which Kyungsoo thought was silly, but he knew hospitals had to be careful. He kept the goodbye with his mother short, because this wasn’t a big deal or a big procedure. He wasn’t going to have her make a scene about this.

                Chanyeol was chatting aimlessly, half with the nurse and Dr. Yoo, half with Kyungsoo, as they headed down the hall. He was asking Kyungsoo if he went to school, before stopping and asking Dr. Yoo a question about some silly thing or another before Kyungsoo could even respond, such as how her husband was doing. Kyungsoo hoped he would settle down and stop talking so much during the actual procedure, or _that_ would be annoying.

                Kyungsoo felt a touch of relief that he wouldn’t be going fully under anesthetic today. He’d never been under for any reason before, and as much as he didn’t like to fuss or worry about any of this medical stuff, there were still things that bothered him. The nurse was putting an oxygen tube in his nose and helping him to take the top of his gown off so they could tape a heart monitor to it. They were asking him questions as they went along, but all they were doing was confirming simple details about himself, like if he had allergies. Kyungsoo wondered if they’d keep asking them once he’d be given the sedative, or if they’d let him be.

                A nurse was currently putting a sort of curtain thing over his neck, separating his head from being able to see the rest of his body. Chanyeol’s voice started up again, and Kyungsoo let his body relax all the way. It was a heavy, deep soothing voice. He was going to be a good doctor one day.

                “We’re going to give you the sedative now, Kyungsoo, and after that, we’re going to numb your chest. Do you have any nice, relaxing plans for later this evening?”

                “I’m going to my boyfriend’s.” Kyungsoo heard himself say without thinking. He wondered if he made anyone frown with this statement, but he couldn’t see anybody past the curtain.

                There was a pause, but it might have been because they were preparing some sort of equipment and putting the sedative IV in his arm. Chanyeol’s voice started up a moment later.

                “Good, being with loved ones is the best. Make sure you just chill out, nothing more. What’s your boyfriend’s name?”

                “Jongin.” Kyungsoo was starting to feel a little sleepy. He didn’t know why he was speaking so freely in here. It wasn’t really appropriate to be talking so blatantly about it, yet he was just blabbing. Maybe being covered by the curtain was making the room feel safe, like nobody was actually in it. Maybe people said weird shit when they were doing stressful things. Maybe he just knew Chanyeol would be okay to hear it. Kyungsoo didn’t really know.

                “Is Jongin in school with you? We’re going to give you the anesthetic now.”

                Kyungsoo felt something sharp in the side of his neck, although it didn’t really bother him. “No, we go to different schools. I learn boring economics and he dances.”

                 “What would be less boring?” Chanyeol’s voice was so very soothing.

                “I dunno.” Kyungsoo didn’t mind this therapy session at all right now, although he was getting more and more tired by the second. “I wanted to be a drama actor as a kid. That’s interesting. You’re interesting. You’re a doctor.”

                There was a little laugh from behind the curtain. “That’s true. Dr. Yoo, is this…?”

                Kyungsoo closed his eyes. They had work to do.

-

                “See? I told you, he’s out like a light, half the time we find him sleeping or half asleep when we’re done just regular procedures.”

                “He’s so calm, you’re right.”

                Kyungsoo opened his eyes. He could hear Chanyeol, and someone else. Maybe a nurse. It didn’t sound like Dr. Yoo.

                “Hello?”

                “Good, we were hoping you’d come to soon. How do you feel, Kyungsoo?”

                That was definitely a nurse. Kyungsoo blinked. “Not too bad. Tired.”

                “Most people don’t sleep so heavily, they often have a short nap in recovery, if at all, and then start moving around. Do you want to sit up?”

                Kyungsoo nodded and let the nurse sit him up. His head felt in a fog. He couldn’t remember anything that had happened during the surgery, although he recalled that he’d been awake for at least some of it. He barely remembered what happened directly before it started.

                “Everything went well, we’ve gone over aftercare before the surgery but we’ll send home a leaflet on what to do, go over it again. Kyungsoo?”

                Kyungsoo squinted at Chanyeol. His glasses were off, and he couldn’t see shit without them. They’d been on before the surgery started, but someone must have taken them off to make him more comfortable. “Yeah?”

                “Your mom is coming upstairs now, we wanted to give you time to rest so we kept her down in the cafeteria. Can I ask you a quick question?”

                “Okay.” Kyungsoo knew he wasn’t fully processing what anyone was saying properly because of the strange, clogged feeling in his brain, but he tried anyway.

                “I wrote down the details of my partner’s Instagram and phone number. I think he’d love to get in touch with you. You don’t have to take it, but I thought I’d offer.”

                Kyungsoo took the pink sticky note from Chanyeol and looked at it, abruptly remembering he’d mentioned having a boyfriend before the surgery. Kyungsoo felt half-embarrassed for having said it, although less embarrassed now that he knew Chanyeol was gay. He didn’t know why Chanyeol wanted him to talk to his boyfriend, but he nodded and folded the sticky note in half.

-

                “Hello Mrs. Do, it’s so good to see you again, hello.”

                Kyungsoo looked up from the couch and smiled when Jongin came into the living room. His mother followed, a sour look on her face. Kyungsoo wished that the look bothered him a little more, at this precise moment, but he was simultaneously too dopey and too cognizant that he was dopey to care.

                “How exactly are we all leaving the house, then?” Kyungsoo’s mother was watching Jongin so carefully, as he picked up Kyungsoo’s backpack and put it on his own back.

                “We’re taking the car, but he’s driving. Mom, don’t panic about the car, he has his license. I’ll drive it back tomorrow.”

                Jongin looked like he was putting on his maximum charm, big smiles with as much teeth as possible. “I was going to need his help with this exam, but looks like we’ll be helping each other.”

                “I think you should stay home and sleep. Contact your professor and tell him to hold off on your test. I can even do it. You shouldn’t be going out.”

                “I’ll be okay, mama. I promise, I feel pretty good, just tired. I promise.”

                His mother looked so unimpressed, before nodding. Jongin was already heading out to the car, taking the backpack and the car keys with him. His hair was a slightly darker version of the honey blond, almost a light brown. It was shorter in the back, but with more bangs in the front than last time. It was one of the most normal hairstyles he’d seen on Jongin, about on par with when they first met. Kyungsoo’s mother grabbed his hand before he could follow Jongin out to the car.

                “This boy again, I didn’t know it was this boy. I don’t like him, Kyungsoo, he’s not serious about anything in his life. He was so rude to me when we met. He’s not a good school friend.”

                “Mama, enough, he’s not actually rude, he’s fine. Just a little eccentric. He didn’t mean to be pushy.”

                “Doesn’t seem normal.”

                Kyungsoo found himself finally scowling. “I know you worry about me, but I have to go do things. I can’t let my life be put on hold over this. I told you, we’re staying in to study, I won’t do some stupid, reckless thing. Have I ever been stupid and reckless?”

                “Fine, go with him, make your mother worry all night!”

                “I’m going to! I love you and I’ll see you tomorrow after the test!” Kyungsoo knew he was almost yelling, and that the stress wasn’t good for him. He saw Jongin peeking around the edge of the front door, looking concerned. Kyungsoo walked towards the door, shoving his coat on.

                “Slow down, you’re not walking straight.” Jongin put his hand out to rest on Kyungsoo’s arm.

                “A little off balance, that’s all.”

                “I love you too, Soo.” His mother sounded so depressed. Kyungsoo wanted to be out of the house desperately.

                Jongin guided Kyungsoo out to the car carefully, his face still wobbling with worry. “Are you sure? You can stay home.”

                “No, everything is totally fine.”

                Jongin didn’t look so convinced, but he shrugged and started the car. “You look so cute with glasses, I didn’t know you wore them.”

                “Oh.” Kyungsoo took them off for a second and looked down at them. “I always had contacts in. I’m blind as hell.”

                “I like them a lot.”

                Kyungsoo leaned his head against Jongin’s shoulder as they drove. “All you see me at is low points, I swear.”

                “Hey, I know your folks worry about you, it’s good that they do. I don’t really count a little argument with your mom as a low point. I was so fucking bad in high school, I fought with my mom every day. I also know she doesn’t like me because I barged into your house last time, so that’s okay. But, more importantly, did your surgery go okay then? You seem pretty good.”

                “Yes, it went good. It was just small.”

                “So not a low point. See? Think of things differently.”

                “You’re right. I’m mostly so frickin’ tired. Can we have McDonald’s?”

                “Excellent idea. I can always go for their shit, you know?”

                “That’s because you’re stoned half the time.” Kyungsoo opened his phone, forgetting the pink post-it had been tucked inside the case. It fluttered out now, and he fished it off the floor of the car, glancing over it again. “I had this gay med student do my surgery today, so that was interesting. I think I talked about you during the surgery but I don’t remember, I barely remember what I did two hours ago.”

                “Can we take pictures of us when we get to McDonald’s, then? We don’t have any pictures together, and then you can remember in case you forget everything else that happens today.”

                “Even with my ugly bald head?”

                “Bald-ish. Almost bald. You have a very round head, perfect for that bald look.”

                Kyungsoo laughed into Jongin’s shoulder, tucking himself around Jongin’s available arm. Today was still a better day than most these days.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jongin has a big graded dance performance.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HELLO. THANK you for your patience, anyone that is still reading this. MONTHS and MONTHS later, I have returned with chapter eight. I have chapter nine also in the works, so hopefully I can get that for you guys soon. Thank you SO much for any patience. I really wanted to get this done for you guys. It's not the most riveting chapter I feel I've ever written, but it gets us into swing for the next part of the story. 
> 
> Enjoy!

“Okay guys, last call, studios are closing for the night, pack it up.”

                There was a collective rustle of discontented people moving out of the studios and into the hall as the caretaker did his sweep for the night. Jongin felt similarly. It was crunch time, and everyone was panicked, particularly about their solo pieces. It was midnight, and many of them had been dancing for since dinner or longer.

                A lot of people were re-choreographing huge chunks of their dances, and Jongin was among them as well. Rehearsals hadn’t gone that well for a lot of people. It wasn’t fair anyway, their teacher was a huge bitch who was way too strict and preferred things to be practically all done in one very specific lyrical style, but it had been frustrating. Jongin knew he hadn’t been hit nearly as hard as some people in critiques—Sehun had been hit pretty bad—but he still felt panic at fixing all his mistakes. There was something he hated about not being the star.

                That, and their teacher had loved Taemin’s piece. It was sometimes hard to be best friends with someone who liked to be the centre of attention just as much as he did, even though Jongin knew the two of them would always be close. It _was_ why they were no longer a couple, though. It had ended over a year ago, clearly amicably, but the competitiveness had gotten way too strong.

                Taemin was probably out having fun right now, while he and Sehun were sweaty, messy nervous wrecks.

                “Think you’ve fixed it, man?” Jongin rubbed his face with a towel a little as Sehun came out of a studio.

                “Ahhh, I think I’m pretty fucked. She’s never liked me, never thought I was good. I think I’m going to get a shitty mark regardless.”

                Jongin sighed a little. Sehun was probably right. He was a good dancer, but he lacked the same charisma on stage as a lot of other people in the program and struggled in a lot of his classes. Jongin always felt quite bad for Sehun because of it, because he knew how hard he tried. It was a fully taught talent, in a lot of ways, because he always talked about how he used to know nothing and had no rhythm. It wasn’t a natural way of moving for him, unlike Jongin and Taemin.

                Jongin checked his phone as he and Sehun left the building. The air was sharp and cold by midnight, and it felt good, unlike the damp, sweaty air filling the studio. Jongin felt a little bad. The last message from Kyungsoo had been over two hours ago, and he was saying goodnight. Jongin generally wasn’t neglectful in responding to anyone, and especially not Kyungsoo, but he’d been so wrapped up in what he was doing that he hadn’t even thought of his phone. He was probably asleep by now, because he’d had chemo today. He’d come home and sleep for awhile, wake up and be sick, feel a bit better by late evening, but end up back in bed early. Jongin felt terrible. Kyungsoo didn’t feel well and he’d barely cared. Jongin decided he’d call him, even if it woke him up.

                “You coming upstairs, man? I need a shower so bad, my muscles fucking hurt.”

                “And you stink.” Jongin dropped his bag to the ground, leaning against the outside of the dormitory.

                “You smell exactly the same, fuck off.”

                “I’m going to call Soo first.”

                “How’s he been doing?”

                “He’s been okay, he’s pretty much lost the buzz cut too so I know he’s really self-conscious right now. He’s moved to hats. I think physically he feels pretty much the same, otherwise.”

                “Shitty.” Sehun shrugged. “I’m gonna go inside, though, see you later. I hope Taemin is just like, asleep.”

                “He’ll come in three hours from now totally fucked up, I guarantee.”

Sehun headed inside, leaving Jongin in the cold alone. He didn’t feel nervous calling Kyungsoo, even though he was undoubtedly waking him up. Jongin already sensed he wouldn’t be mad.

                Kyungsoo sounded scratchy when he picked up, thick and slightly confused. “Hello?”

                “Hey you, sorry I forgot to answer you earlier, I didn’t have my phone on me most of the evening.”

                “I’m not insane, I wasn’t that concerned, I know it’s almost your big performance.” Kyungsoo seemed to rustle around in his blankets. His voice was very low, but Jongin assumed this was to keep his parents from hearing him.

                “I’m really nervous for it.”

                “You? Nervous? Not possible.”

                Jongin smiled a little. Kyungsoo had said four words and he already felt a little better about it. “What do you mean?”

                “You don’t have a bone of shame in your body. Of course you’ll be amazing.”

                “Oh, I dunno. That’s not always true. You wanna make this a Facetime call instead? We haven’t seen much of each other the past little bit. I mean, you’re coming to the performance on Friday but that’s in two days.”

                “Oh, Jongin, I look like shit right now. Did you know my eyebrows are falling out? My eyebrows. Nobody tells you that.” Kyungsoo snorted a little in derision at his body’s betrayal to his eyebrows. Jongin always wanted to laugh a little whenever Kyungsoo talked about some unpleasant side effect of his illness. He never made jokes, exactly, but he was so matter-of-fact about everything that it came off as a little funny, even though it wasn’t. He wasn’t looking for Jongin to laugh, but he wasn’t looking for pity either.

                “I’ll show you how to draw them back on, I can do eyebrows. Anyway, I look terrible right now, greasy, eyebags, you know. The works.”

                “Okay, okay.” Kyungsoo seemed to shuffle around again, before he changed the call to Facetime. He had a beanie pulled far down his head, even though it was late at night in his own bed, but Jongin was understanding that Kyungsoo wasn’t confident about his looks. He hadn’t even been confident about them when they’d first met.

                “You’re outside, it’s cold out.”

                “I didn’t want to disrupt Sehun. That’s okay, I don’t mind cooling off out here. Soo, what if I do bad? Our teacher loves Taemin’s, I don’t want to mess up. It was already a big leap of faith for my family for them to accept that this is what I was good at and this is the school I should go to.” Jongin felt himself speak much faster than normal. Kyungsoo was good at listening, but Jongin hoped he wasn’t burdening him. He had enough problems.

                “I feel like this is the third year you’ve had this little meltdown. Or more, depending on how many performances you have per year. You know you’re good, so just stop worrying.” Kyungsoo flopped his head back on his pillow. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t very sympathetic sounding. I didn’t mean it. I just mean, like, I’m positive that you’ll be able to channel all your anxiety into a dynamic performance.”

                Jongin felt his cheeks go warm, although he felt happy about what Kyungsoo was saying. Kyungsoo had such a good way with words, ultimately. He could pinpoint something and define it so well.

                “K-soo, I’m gonna let you go to sleep now, because I think I need to too, but, um. I’m—I’m really glad you’re my boyfriend, you know? I don’t usually feel like such an asshat about much but you like, you knew just want to say. Now I’m rambling, sound stupid.” Jongin wished he wouldn’t do that sometimes. Kyungsoo said everything so calmly, at the same even tone. It was a trait he admired greatly, even if he wished Kyungsoo could show a little more emotion at times. But he was getting better at that, and Jongin felt like he was improving being calm.

                Kyungsoo yawned, and he looked cute. “Go inside, it’s the middle of the night. G’night, hope you sleep well.” He blew a kiss and let Jongin blow one back, then hung up. Jongin felt a lot readier for the performance. He had to kill it anyway, like Ksoo had insisted he would. He’d be watching, and he couldn’t fuck anything up in front of his first performance in front of him.

~

                Taemin was too good at dancing. Jongin was determined not to feel distressed that he had danced later in the program, rather than before Taemin. He loved that guy to death, and Jongin had never done badly in any of his performances, but he wished he hadn’t been one of Taemin’s follow-ups. He’d be graded more critically, even if he was just as good. So he had to be better. And overall, he had felt really good about what he’d done, so it would be nice, just once, to beat or match him.

                Oh well. He wasn’t Sehun. Sehun had gone right after Taemin. He was fucked.

                The performances were almost over for the night, and then Jongin would go and join K-soo out in front of the theater. He felt strange tension about that too, nervous that K-soo would have found the whole night boring, or think Jongin wasn’t so good, although Jongin knew Kyungsoo would never say that.

                Jongin felt himself slipping out into the audience a little early. The crowd was mid-sized, considering these were adjudicated performances from some dumb students. Usually there was just a few clusters of family and friends or each student at these things, but it seemed some other students had shown up to watch as well. A slow night for entertainment, Jongin guessed. He had danced at some much larger competitions before, that drew in large crowds, but these marked exam-type performances usually were lowkey.

                Not so busy that he couldn’t find Kyungsoo’s little baseball-capped head in the audience, fairly close to the edge of the row and somewhat near the front. Jongin found himself noticing that he was definitely more petite now than when they’d first met, something he didn’t really see as much when they were up close together, but he could see it now that Kyungsoo was sitting amongst other young men from a distance. Jongin also wondered if Kyungsoo was bored by now, perhaps getting tired of seeing all these lyrical dance numbers. But no, he seemed to be intently watching, unaware that Jongin was coming closer.

                “Hey you.”

                “Oh.” Kyungsoo turned and gave a big smile. “I texted you. That was amazing. Really, it was.”

                Jongin knew he was smiling and getting shy like a goof. This felt like very high praise indeed, even though it was a pretty simple statement. He offered his arms for a hug.

                Kyungsoo’s smile faded, and was replaced with a look of anxiety. “Jongin, I’m having a hard time trying to get up. I haven’t felt my leg most of the day. I didn’t want to say.”

                Jongin felt alarmed. “What? Why didn’t you say? You could have rested at home.”

                “I didn’t want to ruin anything. Uh.” Kyungsoo’s eyes flashed with alarm, and Jongin felt his chest tighten, mirroring that feeling of alarm.

                “Uh what? Uh what?”

                “Can you help me up from this chair? I can’t feel anything.”

                Jongin offered his hands to help Kyungsoo up. He felt sick, although he imagined Kyungsoo felt worse. Sick wasn’t even the right word for it. Maybe powerless was it.

                Kyungsoo tried to get up, and although Jongin was strong and could help him up, it was clear he wouldn’t be able to stand if left on his own. Jongin felt another little surge of panic. What could he do to help? He’d never been put in a medical situation like this before.

                “Don’t make this a dramatic event, Jongin,” Kyungsoo said quietly, sitting back in the chair. “Do you need to stay longer for anything?”

                “What? No, no, we don’t get our marks back today, I can go. What should I do? What do you need me to do?”

                “Shhhh.” Kyungsoo admonished again. Jongin knew that he didn’t like attention being drawn to himself. He would have to try and speak quieter.

                “Just help me get to the car then, best you can, take me to the hospital.”

                “Hospital? God, okay, okay.”

                Kyungsoo’s face had changed from worry to what looked like pure annoyance. Jongin wondered if he’d done anything wrong.

                “I’m sorry.”

                “What are you apologizing for? I just ruined the night. I always do. This was your special night and now it’s all about me!”

                “It’s not your fault.”

                “I’m just…! So! I told them there was something wrong! I told them!” Kyungsoo was getting worked up. Jongin felt terrible, but it was a strange, mixed terrible. Like he mostly felt anxious now, but Kyungsoo was right—the wind had left his sails a bit about the performance too. But that wasn’t the right thing to say right now, if he already felt bad.

                “Don’t worry about that right now, it’s okay, it’s okay. Let’s go, okay?” Jongin managed to get Kyungsoo propped up against him. “Where’d you park the car now?”

                It was arduous getting to the car. Parking lots never seemed to be in a good spot, it seemed. Kyungsoo had become silent for most of the trip to the car, and he carried this on when Jongin started to drive for him.

                “Should we call your mom?”

                “No. Not right now. We can call her after they tell me what the hell is going on.”

                “Right-o.” Jongin reached over and took Kyungsoo’s hand. “It’ll be okay.”

                Kyungsoo turned to look at their hands and cracked a smile. “You sure you’re not getting sick of shit like this yet?”

                Jongin thought about this. He wasn’t sick of it, really. Kyungsoo was allowed to be sick of it, but he didn’t live it. “No, I’m not sick of anything. I’m healthy, it’s not hard to help you.”

                Kyungsoo brought Jongin’s hand closer to him and kissed it. “I’ll make tonight up to you. Should have been about you.”

                Jongin laughed. “I said don’t worry about that.”

                “You know, you have the funniest laugh. It’s so big, but like, joyous.”

                Jongin couldn’t help but keep living for the praise.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyungsoo has to stay overnight at the hospital.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promised chapter nine shortly and here I am ;) enjoy!

 

                Kyungsoo couldn’t help but feel weirdly embarrassed about this whole evening. Jongin seemed on edge, waiting perched on his seat like he was going to jump off at any moment.

                They were waiting for an MRI to see what was going on, and Kyungsoo had still refused to call his mother. She didn’t have to know what was going on until Kyungsoo had something tangible to tell her. He’d been admonished by a couple nurses for driving to the hospital and not treating this like an emergency, which pissed him off. He’d been trying to tell everyone for so long about the numbness, and they hadn’t even really treated it like anything other than a minor inconvenience. Now he couldn’t really feel anything, in his left leg up into his hip a bit, and his right leg didn’t feel so good either. Fuzzy, almost.

                “Just relax, all this stuff is not scary, promise.”

                “Ah, yeah. Not in hospitals much.” Jongin shifted in his seat. “Guess I’m worried about a scary outcome.”

                “Don’t.” Kyungsoo really wished he could keep all this shit from Jongin, truly, although that wasn’t really feasible now. Jongin had insisted that he was okay with this stuff, and Kyungsoo did believe his intention, although he decided that Jongin said or did a lot of things without thinking about the long-term outcomes. He’d have to wait and see how Jongin handled this if his cancer got much worse.

                “Kyungsoo? We’re ready for the MRI, you know the drill.”

                A nurse that knew Kyungsoo. Good. Made this just a little easier when he was comfortable with whoever was dealing with him. A good chance he would know the MRI technician too. He didn’t think a hospital needed loads of those.

                “Jongin, here.” Kyungsoo handed off all his stuff, his phone and wallet and watch. “They’re going to help me into a gown for this, you can watch through the window if you’d like. It’s extremely boring.”

                “So we hear you’re not able to feel your leg, hm, Kyungsoo-ah? We’ll get it sorted.” They’d put him in a wheelchair earlier, and they were wheeling him away now. Jongin continued to look fretful. Kyungsoo didn’t want this to be how they were now. It wasn’t a proper relationship if all Jongin did was worry about him. That would practically be a relationship of obligation.

                The MRI didn’t make him sleepy this time, but it was because he had a lot of stuff going through his head. He hoped, perhaps in vain, that if Jongin could watch something like this, he wouldn’t be so concerned about all the hospital stuff. He could see it wasn’t scary. Maybe, Kyungsoo decided, he would ask Jongin to come to a chemotherapy with him. Take the uncertainty and nervousness out of that too.

                “Where’s your mom, Kyungsoo?”

                The MRI tech was speaking into the microphone at him. It almost made Kyungsoo jump.

                “Oh, um. I didn’t call her yet. My friend brought me, I was with friends.”

                “Oh, you are a bratty son. Call your mother when we’re done here.”

                Kyungsoo had a tiny laugh. He was being a bratty son. His mother would be in quite a temper he didn’t call her right away. He’d have to try and come up with some half-assed excuse.

                Turns out he didn’t need to. Jongin looked sheepish when Kyungsoo was sent back to wait, shoving his baseball cap back on his head.

                “What’s that face for?”

                “I called your mom.”

                “Hm? How did you know her number?”

                “No, I just called from your phone, I’ve seen you put your password in a million times when we hang out.” Jongin continued to look guilty.

                Kyungsoo felt a little amusement at this, before bringing himself back to the conversation at hand. “What did she say?”

                “Oh, she sounded extremely weirded out that it was me. She’s on her way.”

                “I was gonna call her.”

                “I couldn’t wait. Didn’t feel right that she didn’t know yet.”

                “She doesn’t like you, you know.” Kyungsoo leaned his head against Jongin’s arm. “But she’d better get used to you.”

                “I’ll wear her down. Unless you want me to go, if you think she’d get too pissed with you.”

                “No, stay. She can deal with it. That being said, can we figure out a lie why I’m dressed and you’re in joggers and slides and a yoga sweater but with your hair and makeup done? Why do you hate socks so much?”

                Jongin laughed big. Kyungsoo loved his goofy laugh.

~

                “Baby, what’s going on, are you alright?” Kyungsoo’s mother seemed to be trying to burst into the waiting room of the cancer ward like she was on some stupid TV drama. Kyungsoo lifted his head off Jongin’s shoulder quickly. There was no need for such silly behaviour from his mother.

                “I don’t really know yet. It’s okay, momma, it’s okay. I’m not in some dire emergency.”

                “But you can’t feel your leg at all! What if it’s paralyzed?”

                “I doubt it. It’s been going like this on and off for awhile, like I’ve said. Now it just won’t turn off.”

                Kyungsoo’s mother turned to look at Jongin, then back to Kyungsoo. “Why didn’t you call me right away?”

                “Um.”

                She looked impossibly hurt. Goddamn her. Kyungsoo wanted to kick a wall, but then, he couldn’t even get up right now. Jongin looked really stressed.

                “It’s my fault, Mrs. Do, I told him to wait to keep from panicking you.”

                Kyungsoo appreciated Jongin so much, more than Jongin probably could really know. Here he was, making himself look even worse to his mother, so that she wouldn’t be upset with her own shitty son. It worked, at least a little, because the look of hurt wobbled and faded just a little.

                “What were you even doing out if you didn’t feel well?”

                “Just wanted to be with friends.”

                “Maybe your friends should stop pressuring you into things.”

                Jongin nodded, looking tight-lipped, before getting up. “Kyungsoo, I’m gonna let you be with your mom now. Text me with how you’re doing, okay, man?”

                Kyungsoo wanted to scream a little. This was all so ridiculous. He nodded though, knowing it was the right choice. “Okay, okay. Bye, Jongin.”

                Before Jongin had a chance, to really leave, though, a nurse came over to the three of them, looking sympathetic. This wasn’t good, Kyungsoo knew it.

                “Kyungsoo, hello. We’ve been asked to admit you for the night. We need to go over the MRI more closely, but it seems the tumours are wrapped around more of your spinal column than we thought, and they’re pressing on some nerves.

                Kyungsoo wished he felt more than just disgruntled.  Of course he was way worse than before. Just perfect.

~

                “Hello, Kyungsoo, just wanted to let you know that if you’d like to spend a little time in the TV room before we have lights out, you’re welcome to head on over there. There’s usually people hanging out there.” The nurse smiled. Kyungsoo fiddled with his phone a bit in his hand. The nurse was smiling at him warmly.

                “I’m probably okay for now, kinda like my peace.”

                “Just let me know, I can wheel you in there.” She smiled again, before shutting the door quietly. Kyungsoo was a bit glad he had the bed in the front of the room closer to the door, rather than the one closer to the window. His roommate was curtained off and Kyungsoo hadn’t even seen him. He was glad because he wouldn’t have to go in and out and disrupt the poor guy every time he wanted to go somewhere in the hospital. Although the curtain would have been nice, for privacy.

                He wondered whether he was glad his parents and Jongin had left by now for the night, or if he was lonely. Perhaps a mixture of both. It was good not to feel their anxious energies while he processed his own feelings, but, he missed Jongin, and he even missed his parents too, he freely admitted to himself. He was never alone at night, truly.

                The TV room could be one of two things: a strange and sterile place, or full of other sad cancer patients he didn’t want to talk to, although he was forming a guilty obligation to try it out. The nurses in oncology were very fond of him because he was mild-mannered. It probably wouldn’t be any worse than sitting on his phone in the dim bedroom instead, so he might as well try it to please her and ring the buzzer.

                She poked her head back in. Kyungsoo guessed things usually weren’t too active at night. The nurses all seemed to be doing very little right now.

                “I don’t mean to bother you, but yeah, maybe I will give it a go, the TV room. The wifi is still okay in there?”

                “Oh, yes. Here, let me help you.”

                Kyungsoo felt embarrassed by this part. Having to ask for help to get anywhere was a massive pain. He insisted he only needed help getting to the bathroom door. After that, there were enough bars to hold onto that he refused any more help at that point.

                “You’re already getting better pushing yourself into that chair, it’s like you’re a pro that uses one every day.”

                “Mm. I can probably wheel myself down at this point, I know how these work and all. I won’t crash.”

                “Alright, don’t make me not trust you with it. The TV room is labelled, but it’s the second to last door on the right, before the turn.” She smiled, before sending him off down the hall.

                Kyungsoo absolutely felt clumsier with the wheelchair than he expected, but he just said he could handle it, so he pulled himself down the hall, pushing the door open.

                There was one flat-screen TV, playing the news, centered around some square-looking hospital sort of couches. The room was painted light-blue, probably to be soothing, and there seemed to be a thin wall desk along one side that had two desktop computers, but that was it. There was one boy sitting and texting, his feet curled up on one of the couches, his slippers sitting underneath him. He was in a massive sweatshirt, but Kyungsoo could see he was of slight build. He had a fluffy head of silvery dyed hair, and his side profile showed delicate facial features. When he turned to look at Kyungsoo, his face looked very tiny indeed.

                “Hello hello.”

                “Oh, hello.” Kyungsoo felt awkward. Introducing yourself was always brutal.

                “My name is Baekhyun. Are you new to the ward?”

                “Um, it’s my first time staying overnight, but not new. I’m Kyungsoo.” He wheeled himself a little closer to the couches. Sitting stiffly by the door conversing with someone was the weirdest thing he could do.

                “Kyungsoo? Ahhh. Okay.” Baekhyun got this funny, slightly amused look on his face. “Come on and let’s hang out, there’s usually not people our age here.”

                “You brought your own pajamas.”

                “This is very old-hat for me.” Baekhyun glanced at his phone again. “Next time you’re here, bring your own.”

                “I wasn’t really expecting to be admitted tonight.”

                “Ahhh.” Baekhyun looked sympathetic. “Kyungsoo-ah, this may sound funny, but I think maybe you know my partner?”

                Kyungsoo felt stricken, suddenly. The gay med student, Chanyeol. He’d said he should text or check out the Instagram of his own boyfriend. Kyungsoo truly hadn’t even looked at the sticky note. It abruptly made sense. They were both gay and had cancer and Chanyeol thought they could be friends. Now he was in front of this boy that he had snubbed, and clearly, Baekhyun knew.

                “Um, I don’t know.”

                “His name is Chanyeol. I only ask, because, uh—”

                “Er. Yeah. He put a port in my chest. Um.”

                “He said perhaps I would hear from someone with your name.”

                “Oh. Um. I…got sort of shy.”

                Baekhyun laughed loudly. “It’s okay. He’s very forward. I would be so embarrassed to ask that. I’m honestly so sorry he did that.”

                “He was really nice, though.”

                “Oh, yeah, he’s the best! But, you know, Sagittariuses. You know how they are.”

                 Kyungsoo didn’t know, but he didn’t say.

                “What sort of cancer do you have, Kyungsoo?”

                “Spinal tumours.”

                “Oh! Bone cancer. Me too, though. It’s kinda all over though.”

                Kyungsoo had never heard someone talk about cancer the way he happened to. Every article he read seemed to be so full of either sadness, or annoying platitudes about staying strong.

                “Have you had it a long time?”

                “I have.” Baekhyun smiled. “You didn’t look at my Instagram either. It’s sort of like my journey.”

                Kyungsoo wondered how long he had had it for. He clearly wasn’t doing chemo, which also made Kyungsoo curious, but he decided not to ask. Instead, he brought the conversation back to Chanyeol.

                “Did you meet Chanyeol here?”

                “Oh, no, no, I’ve known him since high school. I had the cancer then too. Yeollie sort of found his passion for medicine because of me, I think, although he’s so smart. He could be anything he wanted, and I think medicine would have been a good route for him anyhow, even without me.”

                Kyungsoo wanted to smile at this story of love and loyalty. Baekhyun seemed to be all smiles still. But it felt instead like a big punch in the gut. He’d been fighting this for God knows how long, then, if Chanyeol was a med student doing his residency. Years and years and years. A weird sort of panic ran through him. He didn’t want to be a miserable little fuck suffering with this for five, ten years, or longer. Would that be him?


End file.
